What are relationships for?

There have been so many times when just staying single looked like the simpler and wiser choice.

And so, how to understand this desire to be bonded? This urge to be paired with another person?

Of course we are social animals, so we have an inherent need to be with others. Loneliness is painful. We’re not built to be alone.

But what about this special drive, that urge to be with one special love partner?

I’ve found some explanations for my question, What are relationships for?, in the theory of Self Psychology, which describes the Self as having three poles, each of which needs regular support in the form of positive messages and feedback.

It struck me that love partners in healthy relationships answer many of these Self needs for one another.

The three poles of Self needs are: Mirroring, Grandiosity, and Inspiration/Mentoring.

People need others they can admire. A healthy Self needs to have models of strength, competence and virtue, to aspire to and for comfort and reassurance. We look to authority figures, we go to church, we seek inspirational stories.

And, we look to our love partners.

Lately I’ve been thinking about some ways in which a healthy relationship supports psychological well-being; through answering partners’ needs for someone to inspire us, someone to look up to, someone to provide strength:

• We are proud of our partner for their accomplishments.
• We aspire to be better, so as to make our partner proud of us.
• Many creative people consider their partner their muse, the source of their inspiration.
• Having a strong partner we can count on makes us feel safe and not alone.
• Having a partner who has “got our back” gives us the courage to strive.
• Being part of a couple gives us a sense of purpose; we try harder and work harder than we would for just ourselves.
• Seeing our partner’s potential and nurturing it is a way of being effective.
• Our partner’s strength and goodness gives us hope.

Can you think of others?

If so, please share!

photo of Patience (or is it Fortitude?), one of the lions in front of the NYC Public Library

Good Music for a Good Cause: UFO’s album, Unity Creates Strength, benefits Chile and Haiti.

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011