“In a stable society, composing a life is somewhat like throwing a pot or building a house in a traditional form: the materials are known, the hands move skillfully in tasks familiar from thousands of performances, the fit of the completed whole in the common life is understood.”

So writes Mary Catherine Bateson, the anthropologist and daughter of Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, in her 1989 book Composing a Life. It’s one of those books I return to periodically because it feels so timeless and important. I love her image of one’s life as a work in progress.

As I get older, I find myself looking behind me at my ever-increasing past and mentally composing and recomposing, in an attempt to sketch a story which coheres and has value.

And I notice that P. (my partner) and I spend a good bit of time on a similar project, the Composing of Our Relationship.

• We met as middle-aged people
• and therefore our separate pasts are longer than our future together can possibly be.
• We did not witness each others’ histories.
• Is this a limitation? Or a freedom?

I believe that this is a unique gift, available only to those of us arriving at Love later in life: The freedom to each compose our versions of our lives so far, and to have each other embrace and believe in those stories. We tell each other the fairy tales of our past lives, and like trusting children, we accept the stories as fact.

That foundation of trust was difficult to build. So much baggage and so many defenses got in the way.  And the way forward was seldom obvious. As Bateson writes:

It is no longer possible to follow the paths of previous generations…Our lives not only take on new directions; they are subject to repeated redirection, partly because of the extension of our years of health and productivity…Many of the most basic concepts we use to construct a sense of self or the design of a life have changed their meanings: Work. Home. Love. Commitment.

One beautiful feature of Love at this time of life, is that while we do eagerly plan and look forward to the future, we are wise enough to embrace and cherish each moment of the Present. The Past we collect will be smaller than most couples’, but it won’t be any less rich. Already we’ve composed so many stories together.

Please do share your relationship insights and stories!

photo of the special grace of tulips past their prime

Good Music for a Good Cause: UFO’s album, Unity Creates Strength, benefits Chile and Haiti.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (May 4, 2010)

Composing a Relationship | Always Learning » blog.lonelynot.org (May 4, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 4 May 2010