Should You Leave? by Peter Kramer, is full of relationship insights.

I love his tale of Guy and Lena (p. 73)

Guy seeks advice because he’s been involved with Lena for two years, and it’s time to either move forward with the relationship, or end it.

Should he leave?

Guy has a history of bailing out on one relationship after another. He always manages to find reasons why each woman isn’t “right” for him.

The wrong woman, an inner voice has always told you…On good days, you find Lena intensely desirable – far above you…Mostly what is wrong with Lena is that she is not intellectual, though she is smart…You carp at her for her passivity and her complaisance…She wants to shop for overstuffed furniture, when you value an ascetic look…You feel the pressure of age; you want to be with the right woman, the one you will marry…

Guy is full of reasons why Lena is wrong for him, why every woman is wrong…

Meanwhile, Guy’s friends think he’s doing well with Lena, and are upset at his talk of leaving. Our friends’ opinions are worth listening to, because:

• They know us well.
• They have our best interests at heart.
• They can be more objective than we are.
• They often have a more balanced perspective than we do!

Peter Kramer suggests that Guy should stay, despite that “internal voice” telling him to leave.

Why?

Because that “internal voice” is the voice of Guy’s own insecurity and immaturity.

Yes, she has limitations. She is insecure. Fine…That is to say, you and Lena are well matched in terms of your social handicaps. You know as much, and that knowledge is part of why you want to bolt. She represents your worth not as an accoutrement (the “trophy wife”) but as a reflection – in the sense that people tend to partner with people at a similar emotional level…

Worse things could be said about you than that you are Lena’s peer…

Lena has limitations, and to stay with her entails tacit acknowledgment of your own limitations, and perhaps the limitations of relationships.

And then it might be better to stay, since coming to grips with this truth, that you and relationships have limitations, is an important form of personal development.

Guy is afraid to face his own shortcomings, and any relationship is going to feel like a showcase for his own limitations. It feels better to Guy to keep moving, to never define himself by making a relationship choice.

photo of beach plum blossoms at LisSurMer

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (May 14, 2010)

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011