I left off yesterday’s post referring to Norman Mailer’s many infidelities and musing about how he and his much-younger wife Norris may have indeed been well-matched maturity-wise.

This is the relationship tenet of matched differentiation, which says that people pair off with partners who are at their own maturity level, despite what the relationship may look like on the outside.

Norris Church Mailer was (and still is) a beautiful woman. It is easy to make the usual cynical calculation: Her looks and youth were a trade for his fame and talent.

Even more cynically stated?: Norman’s fame and talent had “earned” him a beautiful young woman.

(The purest statement I’ve ever seen of this kind of relationship economics was from an interview I read a few years ago with Donald Trump’s gorgeous wife Melania.

When asked: Would you still love him if he wasn’t rich?, Melania smoothly replied, Would he love me if I wasn’t beautiful?

Whew. I’m still both impressed and appalled at the cool clarity of this reckoning. But The Donald and Melania have been married now since 2004, which is pretty impressive for celebrity marriages. Are they equal in maturity? One could argue, yes).

Back to Norman and Norris Mailer. Norris was not only beautiful but multi-talented (writing, modeling, painting). And Norman was voraciously unfaithful.

When Norris discovered the scope of Mailer’s infidelities, she was struck by how many of the women were either his age — he was near 70 then — or significantly overweight. He made the remark, “Sometimes I want to be the attractive one.”

The older, wiser man, reaching down to lend guidance and structure to a lovely, unsophisticated young woman, in exchange for her adoration and gratitude? Surely, that’s the way this story typically gets told.

But the theory of matched differentiation insists that we look from a different angle. What if we set aside our cynicism and consider that these pairings of older man and younger woman might, in fact, be matches between people of equal maturity?

We haven’t yet tried to define “maturity,” but we’ll get there soon. For now we’re purposely operating under an Aw, you know what I mean sort of understanding of “maturity.”

Until next time, consider these questions:

• Can you think of any “mature” couples?
• Any “immature” couples?
• How can you tell the difference?
• Consider your own past relationships; were some of your choices of partner more mature than others?
• Where “was your head at” during those various periods in your life?

I’ve got LOTS more on this topic … so please check back tomorrow!

Tiffany window at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC

Good Music for a Good Cause: UFO’s album, Unity Creates Strength, benefits Chile and Haiti.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 9, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 9 Apr 2010