I’ve been musing about relationships in which three people are involved.

Immediately we think of extra-marital affairs.

But first, let’s explore the qualities of a triangle. In geometry, the triangle is the most stable of figures. The girders of buildings and bridges contain triangles to strengthen the structures and keep them from collapsing.

Murray Bowen, the prominent family systems theorist, said that the basic family unit was the triangle. He said that when tension or anxiety arises between two family members, a third gets “triangled in,” in order to relieve the stress.

Bowen also cautioned that, although stress is relieved, the actual problem which created the tension to begin with does not get solved.

Of course triangles are also used in love relationships, for much the same reason:

• There is tension in a primary relationship
• Perhaps there is a disagreement
• Perhaps a partner feels a basic need is not getting met

But I find it interesting to look at that third person, not as an intended threat to the primary relationship, but as an attempt to stabilize the primary relationship.

How might this appear to work?

• The new relationship provides attention, flattery, other positive feelings
• It creates a distraction from the problems and frustrations of the primary relationship
• It therefore seems to meet the unfulfilled needs and solve the problem

I see some interesting, counter-intuitive dynamics:

• A third party involvement decreases overall intimacy.
• While there is more total time invested in relationship maintenance, more effort invested in juggling the logistics of the triangle, there is actually less deep connection between any of the players.
• This actually relieves anxiety, by creating emotional distance between all parties involved.
• Secrecy, jealousy, intrigue…these provide exciting distractions from the issues in the primary relationship.

The third person may have been selected, not as a threat to the primary relationship, but exactly because he/she is not a threat!

The third person may be intended as a counter-balance, a stabilizer.

Don’t many extra-marital affairs and “emotional affairs” actually have this purpose?

Not to break up the primary relationship, but to supplement it? To fill in for what it is lacking, or to take what feels like destructive pressure off?

What do you think?

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 15, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 15, 2010)

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Best of Our Blogs: April 16th, 2010 | World of Psychology (April 16, 2010)

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