Yesterday I wrote about one psychological benefit of healthy relationships: empathic mirroring.

I am grateful for Vickie’s reply:

Knowing in general what the theory of “mirroring” means, it never occurred to me before to place it in the category of one of the benefits of a good marriage. It always seems that we are constantly on the lookout for the fore-warnings of where our marriage might take a turn for the worse that we miss these subtle yet vital pieces of a good marriage that make all the difference and which we live for on a daily basis, making it all worthwhile.

Good love relationships are important contributors to psychological health. And painful relationships are, literally, hurtful; they can undermine psychic health and cause real damage.

Self psychology (one of the most widely applied of modern theories) describes three poles of experience necessary to the formation and maintenance of a healthy Self. We all need regular feedback in each of these categories in order for our identities to stay in healthy repair:

• Mirroring. We need to be recognized, understood, accepted, valued for who we are, feel similarity and common ground with someone.
• Grandiosity. We need to feel effective, powerful, in control, respected, admired.
• Ideal Imago. We need guidance and protection, and we need someone to look up to and to inspire us.

In healthy love relationships, both partners answer many of these needs for each other on a regular, reliable basis.

In addition, people in good relationships reach out to other enriching sources (friends, family, work, etc.) to get their Self needs met.

(And single people, of course, can and do construct vital social networks that meet the same needs.)

A good love relationship is like good nutrition for the psyche, a regular diet of the kinds of feedback and support the Self needs to stay healthy and function well.

And a painful relationship can leave the psyche starving.

Like a diet of nothing but cookies and candy, a troubled relationship may be oh so irresistible and addictive. And, yet, over time it depletes us, weakens us to the point where our very sense of Self, our core identity and sense of well-being, is undermined.

Drama, insecurity, threat, uncertainty, endless cycles of angst, then passion, staggering pain, then rapture…such a diet can erode even the strongest Self.

Have you ever come out of a painful relationship feeling drained and depleted?

Or shocked at some of the things you did in your weakened condition?

We underestimate the importance of nourishing our psyches as well as our bodies!

Photo taken at LisSurMer

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 9, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 9 Mar 2010