Control is one of the most important of all psychological issues. Starting at birth and continuing throughout our lives, we grapple with the question: What do we have control over, and what don’t we?

The dilemmas of consciousness and of Self have control at their center. What is my “Self”? It is this thing that I am in command of, the ship that I steer, the life that I direct.

Feelings of control are critical to psychological health. Locus of control and learned helplessness are central developmental and therapeutic topics. A recent Scientific American article points out that “Feelings of control are essential for our well-being.” Even something as small as giving nursing-home patients control over watering the plants in their rooms (vs. not giving them the means to care for their plants), resulted in patients’ increased physical health and emotional contentment.

In Self Psychology (one of today’s central theories), one of the three poles of Self needs is Grandiosity. To maintain good emotional health, people need regular messages that they are effective, powerful, admirable; in essence, that they have control over their lives and circumstances.

I’ve been thinking about some ways in which a healthy relationship supports psychological well-being, through answering partners’ needs for effectiveness, importance and control:

• We divide up tasks or roles so that each partner handles the ones at which he is most competent.
• We are reliable, faithful and honest, thereby supporting feelings of our lives being stable and predictable.
• A long-term relationship feels like an investment that has paid off, an achievement we can take pride in.
• We support each other during hard times, decreasing feelings of chaos and helplessness.
• We take turns listening to each other, admiring each other, being the appreciative audience to our partner’s ideas and efforts.
• Being an important part of another person’s life reminds us that we matter.
• Seeing the effect we have on our partner reminds us that we have power.
• Our relationship is a smaller, safer, more manageable world, one which gives us feelings of control and importance more readily than does the large, callous world outside.

Can you think of others?

If so, please share!

“Stairs Feel Safe When They Have Railings”…photo taken at LisSurMer

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011