I plan on writing posts inspired by several of the wonderful comments I’ve received.

I spend my days working intimately with families, so this comment from Susan really resonated with me:

Thank you for opening this discussion.

My son has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Far too often, even from mental health professionals, we as parents have been blamed for not raising our son properly. That’s one major indication that PDs are grossly mis-understood.

I wish it was as easy as “just change your attitude” for my son. It is hard work for him. And sadly because of these mental illnesses have a name that is so misunderstood, our loved ones suffer and destruction is in the wake.

We as a culture have developed the corrosive habit of directing blame at parents for every issue their kids may ever suffer. This is horribly hurtful and unfair. And it’s also usually way off-base, missing many of the real factors.

Whether it be the learning difficulties I deal with in my job, or any other problems with children, poor parenting is rarely the cause. The truth is, parents don’t have nearly the control over their kids’ outcomes, good or bad, that we believe they do.

One of my all-time favorite books is Judith Rich Harris’s The Nurture Assumption. Harris does solid investigative research into our core parenting assumptions, and finds that most of what we think we know about the effects parents have on their kids is simply wrong. I recommend The Nurture Assumption as balm for the hearts of any beleaguered parents who, despite doing the best they can for their kids, have been dumped on and guilt-tripped instead of supported and helped.

Here’s what I think:

• Not every problem is someone’s fault
• Nature deals each person a unique hand of cards and some will be more challenging than others
• Fear of blame makes people defensive and hesitant about seeking help
• It’s up to all of us to be as accepting and supportive as possible
• The focus needs to be on learning about and then fixing or preventing problems, not on assigning blame
• We all pretty much do the best we can! Especially the vast majority of parents!

Photo taken at the Hawthorne School of Art, Provincetown, MA

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 2, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
Are Parents to Blame for Their Kids’ Problems? | Always Learning (March 10, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 2 Mar 2010