Apparently so!

Peter Kramer is one of the authors I read over and over and over.

Today I’m rereading Against Depression, and also thinking about one of my core topics of interest, locus of control (the degree to which a person feels in control of his life circumstances).

Identity and self-esteem are built around two fundamental psychological questions:

• Am I a “good” person?
• Am I in control of my life?

Depressed people generally feel less in control of their lives.

And, says Kramer, experiences that undermine control can lead to depression (p. 138):

The type of stressful life event matters as well … Events that involve an attack on self-esteem tend to lead to depression, and this result holds for both men and women. Being left or rejected by a loved one is such an event. Other sorts of losses also lead to depression — the death of a loved one, or a separation that you initiate. But the combination, humiliating loss, is especially harmful, worse even than loss by death. These effects are moderately specific. When a feared harm has not yet occurred, the mental illness that tends to arise is most often an anxiety disorder, rather than depression. Not the anticipation but the reality of a humiliating loss triggers depression.

There’s no doubt about it, being blind-sided by a break-up you didn’t see coming is one of the most painful experiences going.

And the recovery is so tough! What do people who’ve been jilted do to regain a sense of control?

• Demonize the lover who dumped them
• Gossip, stalk, spy
• Hurt them back
• Destroy property, sabotage their work, etc.
• Refuse to leave or divorce or remove possessions
• Send letters, gifts, as reminders and/or guilt trips
• Disrupt the new relationship
• Jump prematurely into another relationship, to feel better and/or make the ex-lover jealous
• Try to cajole the ex back
• Threaten or carry out self-harm
• Become “wiser” (jaded, cynical) about love
• Fantasize about getting back together

Can you add to this list?

Some people are more predisposed to developing mental illness than others, so this is NOT to say that a bad break-up will definitely make you sick.

But that agony we feel when we’re unexpectedly abandoned or betrayed? … that’s the real pain of genuine psychological damage being done.

“Dark Inside Light Outside,” photo taken in Edinburgh, Scotland

Good Music for a Good Cause: Check out UFO’s album, Unity Creates Strength, to benefit Chile and Haiti.

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    Last reviewed: 21 Mar 2010