Here comes yet another angle on one of my big themes, “not blaming.”

This one is in response to an excellent comment from Erika:

Could you do another post on how mentally ill people are not the source of all the problems in their families? Because that side of the blame game is just as big a problem for those of us who get stuck with these labels.

Mental illness is a situation where it cannot in any way be assumed that friends and family have the same interests as the person afflicted or can speak for them in any way.

Even a family which has not been abusive before the mental illness diagnosis can easily use the diagnosis against the sufferer in a wide variety of contexts.

The sufferer often takes on a scapegoat role within the family, much as mental illness in general is used as a scapegoat within society.

As an educator, I see this all the time. Kids get labeled as “learning disabled” or “special needs,” and from that point on they are viewed differently. Teachers don’t expect these kids to succeed, and so they often inadvertently set them up for low achievement.

Instead of giving these kids the help they need, the labels provide excuses for not helping them!

It was brave and commendable for Erika to seek help for her mental health issues!

And I hope she is getting some constructive help and support!

But it is clear that now Erika is also suffering the downside of being labeled as mentally ill.

• Labels create an “us vs. them” mentality.
• The labeled person is then experienced as an outsider.
• Outsiders are likely to be dehumanized. They are too easily treated as objects, not as people.
• There is a natural tendency for people to seek self-objects; in healthy relationships people take turns meeting each others’ self-object needs.
• But this balance can easily go awry.
• People may designate rigid, stifling roles:  “strong” and “weak” partners, or “healthy” and “sick” partner.
• These roles prevent everyone from growing.
• But they feel safer and less threatening.
• Everyone stays “stuck” in their unhappy roles, but no one has to face the challenges of growing and changing.

Erika’s complaint reminds me of the work of Jay Haley and his essays, especially one called “The Art of Being Schizophrenic.” It’s a cynical account of a family who all conspire to make sure that one family member remains schizophrenic, so that all the other members can obsess over his needs and avoid dealing with their own issues.

Has anyone else been used by their family members in this manner?

photo of lock on an old schoolhouse door

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 31, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
Why We Try to Fix Our Loved Ones Instead of Fixing Ourselves | Always Learning (April 1, 2010)

From Psych Central's World of Psychology:
Best of Our Blogs: April 2, 2010 | World of Psychology (April 2, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 31 Mar 2010