Whew, love is hard work!

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve read Peter Kramer‘s book, Should You Leave? I’m on my second copy; I wore the first one out!

Here’s some more advice towards making positive relationship change happen, heavily inspired by Kramer’s wisdom:

• Change your own behavior. You can’t control your partner’s behavior but you can control your own.
• Ease up on your partner. The more you “communicate” your dissatisfaction and list the ways your partner falls short, the more your partner is likely to get defensive, shut down, and transfer negative feelings onto you.
• Differentiate. Change in ways that make you more mature and independent.
• Make yourself proud of yourself. Rage, sarcasm, nagging, pettiness, defiance, deceptiveness…chances are you know when you’re behaving badly. Immature behavior hurts your relationship as well as your own self-image. Generosity, sincerity, patience, and gentle assertiveness help your relationship and make you emotionally stronger and healthier.
• Change enough. Your behavior needs to change enough for your partner to notice it. Choose a behavior you can alter, then stick with it!
• Don’t expect change to feel comfortable or natural. But it should feel like a step towards your own maturity and autonomy, not towards “giving in” or cajoling or manipulating your partner.
• Don’t expect change to happen overnight. The human brain doesn’t turn on a dime; learning requires neurons to reroute, and this takes time and repetition.
• Expect your partner to respond with his or her own change. If your relationship has potential, your partner will respond to your positive changes by also differentiating.

Photo of sleeping Cupid taken at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011