I was nervous about my recent post, Love Alone Can’t Cure Mental Illness. I worried that readers might misunderstand my message and read it as if I believe mentally ill people don’t deserve love or can’t ever be good relationship partners.

My position is just the opposite. I have known and loved and had my life enriched in so many ways by any number of wonderful people with mental illness. Mental illness in and of itself is definitely NOT a stopper in successful relationships of any kind (student/teacher, friendships, family, romance).

But the key is, absolutely, the person’s acknowledgment of their condition and their active participation in treatment.

I am so glad that responses to my post have seemed to “get” my message.

C.R. Zwolinski wrote to me: Thanks for a great post…. Please write more about personality disorders–because for some types of these disorders people rarely seek treatment.

Thank you, C.R.! I do have more to say, yes! And I do hope I can encourage more people to seek treatment.

Symptoms of Mental Illness Can Tug at Our Heartstrings

One of my biggest soap-box issues is how, in our pop-psych culture, we tend to automatically attribute painful relationship choices to “low self-esteem.” Many of us who have been attracted to troubled partners and have chosen to remain in odd or difficult relationships, have been barraged with condescending, judgment-laden questions: Why are you punishing yourself? Can’t you see that you deserve better? Why don’t you find a calmer, happier relationship? Do you have a fatal attraction for pain?

I truly hate these sorts of assumptions. I consider them insulting and inaccurate and harmful.

Instead, I subscribe to Peter Kramer’s explanation: Symptoms of mental illness can be alluring.

In his book, Against Depression, Kramer observes that certain stable, responsible people may find themselves drawn to relationships with depressives, not because these stable individuals harbor a repressed desire to suffer, but because the relationship at first feels like a good fit of complementary traits. The strong, grounded partner imagines contributing strength and solidity as the delightfully flightier lover brings heightened sensitivity and emotionality.

The personality disorders also offer many symptoms that at first feel like heightened, super-sweet romance. The fiery passion and over-the-top adoration of Borderline Personality Disorder…the enveloping dependency and eagerness to please of Dependent Personality Disorder…the tantalizing aloofness and shy tenderness of Avoidant Personality Disorder…these are symptoms of mental illness, yet they mimic the most intense and exquisite sorts of love experiences.

Strong, stable people who respond to these alluring Siren calls don’t necessarily have “low self-esteem.” They likely have just the opposite! They are attracted to the best and most beautiful qualities in their lovers, and they offer the best of themselves in return. They believe they’ve found a relationship in which their strength and stability will be useful and appreciated and richly rewarded.

Unfortunately, though, personality disorders are forms of mental illness, no matter how convincingly they may masquerade as passion, creativity, sensitivity or love. Personality disorders absolutely require professional therapy. A partner’s strength and stability and love is surely a great asset in such a relationship, but it is NOT enough.

Photo of storm clouds clearing at LisSurMer

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    Last reviewed: 22 Feb 2010