Heinz Kohut was one of a number of psychoanalysts who mostly subscribed to Freud’s theory but felt Freud wasn’t on target in all respects.

Kohut disagreed with Freud’s drive constructs. Kohut believed that, instead of being motivated by guilt-saturated, repressed sexual urges, people are driven to construct and maintain healthy Selves.

During childhood, people develop their sense of Self through their interactions with others. Kohut identified three poles necessary for healthy Self development:

1. Mirroring: The need to be with someone similar to oneself. This is also called twinship.
2. Grandiosity: The need to be understood and approved of and to feel powerful and effective.
3. Ideal/Mentor: The need to be with someone one can admire and emulate and rely upon.

Kohut also described the selfobject, a person (most commonly a closely beloved one such as a parent or a love partner) who is used psychologically to meet Self needs.

Kohut insisted that the Self is a work in progress which constantly requires renovation and repair.

Healthy relationships accommodate selfobject needs. Partners use each other as fantasy objects for psychological transference, but only within healthy limits. They manage to maintain realistic perspectives on the actual characteristics of each partner and are able to respond to those real needs.

Sometimes, though, a damaged or deprived Self may have excessive or skewed selfobject needs. This person relies too much on overly-idealized, fantasy-based love relationships to attempt to meet those needs. These sorts of relationships are generally painful and do not last, as these people fail to see their partners accurately or meet their actual needs. They treat their partners as objects to the exclusion of interacting with them as real people.

Kohut developed his theory as he worked with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Such people lack empathy for others and are overly concerned with meeting their urgent needs for mirroring and grandiosity.

But people don’t have to be suffering personality disorders to experience extreme Self needs. A stressful love relationship, especially a long-term one, might leave a person starved for mirroring, affirmation, approval, inspiration, affection, or any number of kinds of essential Self fuel.

And then people may bring this hunger and neediness into their next relationship, thereby putting too much stress on a new partner and a new love…thereby lessening the chances this new relationship will succeed…making the finding of the NEXT relationship even that much more urgent…

One piece of good news? Sometimes a couple can bravely “hang in there” and struggle towards understanding and meeting each other’s urgent needs…sometimes a couple can survive the tumult of all those hungry, jumbled, frustrated Self needs from the past…and the resulting relationship can be strong and beautiful!

Photo source: Lis Sur Mer

If you’re seeking guidance in coping with stress and difficult emotions, please consider getting a copy of A Mindful Dialogue, an ebook compiled by my fellow Psych Central blogger Elisha Goldstein. All proceeds benefit Hope for Haiti.

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    Last reviewed: 11 Feb 2010