Difficult love relationships are problems, right?

Concerned friends and family members may shake their heads over the poor choices we make, wonder out loud why we don’t leave, remind us that we can do better.

We ourselves may wonder why we can’t be satisfied with a calmer or more “normal” relationship. Do we harbor some unconscious masochistic streak? Are we addicted to drama? Do we have low self-esteem which causes us to choose pain or settle for less than what we deserve?

Often, relationship problems are unconscious attempts at solutions to even greater issues.

Are you stuck in a love relationship with someone who is clearly not a suitable match for you? Are you having trouble letting go of a relationship that has been over for a long time?

Perhaps you are using the relationship to address another problem:

• Childhood fears. If you were raised in abusive or painful circumstances, you likely experienced feelings of fear and helplessness. Children need to learn that they are effective people who can control their environments. You may be trying to re-enact the challenges you had in childhood so you can “win” this time around and satisfy those developmental needs.
• Childhood “failure” to “fix” a loved one. If you had a parent with mental illness or a very demanding or distant personality, you may have “failed” to win their affection or to have “fixed” their problems. For example, it is common for the children of parents with personality disorders to choose love relationships with personality-disordered partners. The unconscious goal is to succeed this time around, to fix the partner’s disorder to make up for failing one’s parent.
• Strong or difficult emotions. Perhaps you suffer from depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder. Maybe you are simply a moody or sensitive person. You may be using your love relationship as a place to put your difficult feelings or as an explanation for your sadness or agitation. Blaming your strong feelings on your partner or your relationship may feel safer than acknowledging they are coming from inside you.
• Challenging or frightening life situations. Health problems, money problems, family issues, life hurdles such as relocating or changing careers, can make us feel frightened and helpless. A difficult love relationship can be a distraction from these seemingly intractable life issues. Painful as it may be, love at least feels romantic and active, and it gives us something (another person) to focus on, as an escape from our own personal problems.

You’ve heard it over and over: The only person you can change is YOU!

The more you face the other issues in your life, the better your love will be!

Photo of the path to the beach at LisSurMer

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    Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2011