I always knew I assumed things, but not until a recent relationship did I realize the full extent.

There was SO MUCH misunderstanding going on and it absolutely baffled me.  I was being told on the one hand this person really cared for me and on the other finding all the evidence in the world to challenge it.

I was banging my head against the wall day after day after day trying to figure out what exactly was going on.

I don’t know about you, but I am so sick of New Years Resolutions because they seem to just add to my list of ever-growing feelings of a failure as an ADHDer.

I may start with one, and then forget about another one and by the time I remember I’ve already messed it up.   Then I feel so bad I screw it all up.  How is that productive?

So now I choose a word / words.  And focus on that word throughout the year – and anytime I think about my success during the year, I think about how my word relates to that success.  It works miracles and is amazing how it accomplishes the same thing, with much less stress.

My word / words?  This year I chose three, because it just felt right.  Usually it’s one.  For a number of years it has been focus.  This year I chose a combination of mood, behavior, and state of mind that I was seeking.  So instead of coming up with a list of specific things that I can constantly criticize myself for failing at, I think of these three words:

Passion, Persistence, and Patience

Holidays make us all crazy; travel, gifts, coworkers, kids, parents, cards, trees, decorating…  the list goes on and on.  Imagine being someone that has a hard time keeping track of just how to get through the week – let alone the holidays!  Welcome to how us ADHDers feel.

I’ve decided that in order to make it through the holidays, I’m going to have to prioritize doing some things that I know help me make it through my regular days – but religiously!  We use holidays as an excuse to slack off on certain good habits – but for people with attention span issues these things we innocently slack off on could be our undoing.

It seemed fairly obvious to me that those with ADHD have a higher rate of suicide and depression, but I was surprised to learn that according to WebMD research both are 4-6 times more likely to occur in those with ADHD than those without it.

That scares me, and it’s a tricky subject because some research suggests that when you talk to students about suicide it puts the thought in their mind, and they are more likely to try it.  Thankfully, recent research is starting to suggest that kids already know about it, so in fact talking about it does just the opposite and helps prevent it.

I don’t know how to say it any other way; society is overwhelming me.  My brain and head has been spinning for weeks trying to get my hands around the problem, but it’s so big.  As I review the changes in the U.S. economy, technology, and communication, it makes my ADHD spin.

I run a for profit company (technically) and manufacture light bulbs.  When I attempted to get them manufactured in the U.S., I couldn’t find anyone willing to do it.  Everything was done in China or Mexico.

My post the other day on texting and driving brought many responses, both good and bad.  One of them, however, blew me away.

The individual’s ability to recognize the problem from both sides of the spectrum, acknowledge the challenges that each group faces on a regular day, and taking all of it into consideration allowed them to provide an innovative solution.

Often times, extreme views happen because we don’t understand another person’s perspective, and instead of trying to be a better listener we become a louder talker.  We find others on our side that agree with us to make us feel better about our own position, and condone anyone that thinks otherwise.  It’s a normal human defense, but not one that is very productive to solving the many issues in society; all it does is shut off listening and polarize views further.

In many ways, it is a blessing to have ADHD because if something hurts you can quickly retract and move on to something else.  For those of you that do not have ADHD, imagine putting your finger in a fire.  Those with ADHD can quickly withdraw and move to something else, but don’t learn much.  Those without ADHD, however, take longer to withdraw their finger but the burn is imprinted in their mind so they do not do it again.

It’s how I see my ADHD.  I’ve had similar situations happen over and over again, and wonder what it is that I am not getting.  Why my behavior is not changing, and why I continue to throw myself into the fire again and again.  I have finally come to realize, through therapy, reading, and the constant struggles of ‘why,’ that I am simply not standing in the pain long enough to understand the lesson I need to learn.

This topic has been really bothering me this week, primarily because of the story of the potential book burning in Florida that caused riots and outrage all across the world this past weekend.  CNN’s behavior, in one way, reminded me of the downfall in my ADHD in that I get fired up about something, get out there talking about it, and don’t always think through the consequences of my actions.

This impulsivity was really highlighted first with the balloon boy when I was trying to get a story published on depression but couldn’t get word in because he was all over the screens.  It literally shocked me that there was high drama about the balloon boy event, but it didn’t have such catastrophic consequences.  This weekend’s coverage did.

I’m writing today as a reminder to both myself and everyone else in the world that we are all a work in progress.  Beating ourselves up does absolutely NO good, in fact it usually makes things quite worse.  It is quite easy for me to say that to others, but so infrequent that I take time to remind myself.

I had a pretty severe therapy session yesterday.  I mean, I was hating me.  Everything about me.  I was especially focused on my inability to control my texting even after continual negative consequences on my romantic life.

It took me until I was 35 years old to figure out my hormones.  And even now they trick me no matter what I do to say I won’t be affected.  I don’t have just PMS, or PPMD, I have something-is-taking-over-my-body type hormonal changes.

I can only think it is made all the worse by my ADHD.  Let’s think about it.  I get extremely moody, feel absolutely HORRIBLE in the pit of my being without even realizing why, and can not escape the feeling of terrible hopelessness.  Then let’s look at ADHD and how it adds to the complete chaos:

• Impulsivity – adds to my need for ‘MUST ESCAPE these feelings NOW, frantically trying to find solutions without thorough thought.
• Hyperactivity – amplifies the feelings of hopelessness.
• Inattention – can’t even focus on the feelings long enough to understand what is happening, where they are coming from, or reflect on them – simply need to escape.