So here’s today’s pet peeve: I’m at a crossroad. I’ve been working hard at overcoming my ADHD deficits; I’ve come a long way, baby. But how do I know how far I’ve come?
Here are the stages I’ve gone through:
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Denim
1:28 am on
July 9th, 2010I am confused did you tell him you were ADHD or not.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
8:10 am on
July 9th, 2010Yes, I did. Sorry about the confusion.
Z.
Weeble75
1:52 am on
July 9th, 2010Zoe, I think all of us who are single have to deal with that very issue and it’s good that you bring it up. The whole when, how and if of telling someone I want to connect with is tough and I don’t have any answers. I’m still feeling it out myself. I don’t know how many dating profiles I’ve passed over because of seeing the words “must be financially and emotionally stable”. I had my big breakdown in the wake of my son’s death from leukemia and many other superstressors that had became a “football pileon of life”–savings exhausted from the cancer battle, lost my job, my wife divorced me, collapsed into major depression and 2 anxiety disorders (and having been diagnosed with ADHD at that time as well), so I was neither of those.
I have a friend with schizoaffective disorder who’s told me that she has similar fears–and for good reason.
Oh yeah, the other mantras, “no baggage”, “no drama”. Got plenty of both. Thanks at least for bringing it up. It’s something that needs to be talked about more.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
8:14 am on
July 9th, 2010Hey, Weeble,
You are very welcome! I’m glad I could start off the conversation. Because I talk about deeply personal things here, sometimes I do feel pretty vulnerable…then someone writes a comment like yours, and I know that my concerns are shared. I agree that opening up a dialogue is a good first step. Thanks for moving the conversation along with your comment!
Cheers,
Zoë
Hey zoe. Nice article. Congrats you have overcomed of ADHD. Every person has a little bit of ADHD in his life, because each and every person goes through the phase of depression, mental stress, unhappiness. Only need is, that peoples around us should be loving, caring, understanding.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
2:53 pm on
July 9th, 2010Response to: “AdhdInAdults”
Hi again.
To clarify: yes, just about everyone has ADHD symptoms from time to time in their lives. The difference with experiencing ADHD symptoms, and being diagnosed with ADHD, is a matter of degree, and how long those symptoms have been present. For an actual diagnosis, symptoms must have been present since around six years old. For ADHD to be diagnosed as an adult, those symptoms must have persisted. Another difference is that for adults who are diagnosed, we have found that our symptoms persisted to the point where they negatively impacted on our lives, long-term. Thus, we seek help, including diagnosis and treatment. My own symptoms have negatively impacted on absolutely EVERY aspect of my life: financial, work, family, friends, and romantic relationships, etc. AND they’ve had such a negative effect, that I sought a diagnosis and now take a medication to help minimize (not remove) them. I don’t think you can say EVERYONE takes a medication to help manage their ADHD “symptoms.”
I’m glad you sent this comment so I could address a commonly-held misconception: that just because everyone manifests ADHD-like behaviours / symptoms from time to time, bona fide ADHD, a neurobiological condition (or syndrome, as it’s sometimes referred to) doesn’t really exist. It does, and it’s no fun, I can tell you. If you don’t have it, be glad that your symptoms of “depression, mental stress, unhappiness,” etc., are only just a “phase.” Lucky you. And, btw, not everyone with ADHD experiences depression, but many do.
Thanks for writing,
Cheers,
Zoë
I won’t say that ADHD is a disease, its a bad phase or the bad patch of the life, which has to be talked and to be solved. Hats off to you Zoe, you are out of it now.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
2:45 pm on
July 9th, 2010Response To: “Adhdinadults”
Huh?! I appreciate your comments, and thank you for reading my blog post, but I’m not sure if you’ve read any of my other posts. Please put your hat back on – I’m still struggling with some ADHD issues, and as far as I know, ADHD is much more than a “bad patch” in life. If it is a neurobiological condition, it’s hardwired in the brain by the time you’re an adult (if you have adult ADHD). Even though the brain is now thought to have a great deal of plasticity (ie. can be physically altered and improved), I haven’t the foggiest idea how the &#%*! to do this, and even if I can, how long that will take. I’ve interviewed scientists and wholistic health practitioners alike, and all of them, to a person, have told me that ADHD is NOT – repeat – NOT “curable,” but that the symptoms can be managed. So I think congrats are a bit premature, and in fact, if I ever “cure” my ADHD, I won’t need congratulations because I’ll be busy being super-rich and famous!
Check out some of my other blog posts for a clearer picture on how ADHD continues to affect my life, and those of my readers, which you can glimpse through their comments to the posts.
Thanks for reading, and please keep coming back and adding your thoughts.
Cheers,
Zoë
This is really a tough question: when do you come out of the ADHD closet? Much of my recent “blossoming” has been a result of doing just that…let it all out there, but there are definite repercussions from doing so. There are still people out there who see ADHD as a form of leprosy and recoil when you mention the four dirty letters. And if I were dating again and had to even think about mentioning ADHD? Ouch! Not sure what I would do…except..perhaps…use it as a marker of personality and intellect (of the potential dating partner, that is). If you mention it and they haven’t bolted out the door…then maybe you have found a potential match.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
8:15 am on
July 9th, 2010…or at least a second date! lol!
Thanks for your insights, Jeff.
Peace,
Zoë
Sorry…one more comment. Maybe it is time for us to borrow a phrase from another group that has come out of the closet: “We’re here! We’re A.D.H.D.! Get Used To It!”
Jerry
8:34 am on
July 9th, 2010Know your objective. Then apply balance, situational awareness and the art of negotiation.
What you choose to disclose, who you choose to disclose it to, how much you choose to disclose, when you disclose it, and precisely how you frame what you do disclose – these are best viewed as tools in your toolbox. Choose the right tool for the right task. And just like the tools of a carpenter or a jeweler or a writer, what you create with your tools is entirely up to you.
Life provides us with a series of subtle and often complex negotiations. At work, I choose not disclose my ADHD. But this is not an absolute. I might need to disclose some information at some point. For example, I am subject to random drug screening. Should I be called upon to pee for the cause, I might need to explain to my HR department why my test came back positive for stimulants. Until such time, it’s not really their business. And until then, it qualifies as “too much information (TMI)”.
The most rewarding personal relationships often involve a subtle and complex series of negotiations. They are a journey to slowly savored and explored – not gulped down. Think multi-dimensional chess for the heart. Timing and synchronicity. Should you be ‘honest’ and disclose your ADHD? Absolutely! At some point. And in some way. But a lot of other things probably need to happen first. A natural progression. Choose the right tools at the right time for the task at hand. Honesty does not mean preemptively providing a complete copy of your medical records to every potential partner.
See also, 11 principles for negotiation:
http://www.gesher.org/Articles/business%20tips/11%20principles%20for%20negotiation.htm
“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” ~Albert Pike
Denim
9:36 am on
July 9th, 2010Denim: “I am confused did you tell him you were ADHD or not.”
Zoe: “Yes, I did. Sorry about the confusion.”
According to my interpretation, the above informaton is correct. Yes?
I’ll be back to finish my line of thought.
Denim
11:28 am on
July 9th, 2010Jeff. “We’re here! We’re A.D.H.D.! Get Used To It!” Who’s motto is this modification derived from?
Denim,
We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer_Nation
Denim
3:31 pm on
July 9th, 2010Hi Zoe. I am here. I understand your 2:45pm and 2:53pm comment.
leah
3:59 pm on
July 9th, 2010Zoe, My dad always used to say “Be proud of who you are” that includes being ADHD.
who I am, with constant verbal output”, means that I am telling almost everyone about the ADHD even though I do not yet have the “official diagnosis”, although I am a little more restrained that I was in the beginning.
Responses are often “Everyone is ADHD” or “it is the latest fad!” basically denying the serious implications of the condition.
The other response I often get is “we like you the way you are”, we like you wacky and crazy and sometimes incomprehensible, etc. those people like my ADHD self but they are not understanding my dilemmas.
Of course, the best response are those friends and loved ones who listen and hear what I am saying, my concerns and journey, and the decisions to be made on how to live …. those dear ones understand what I am going through and I appreciate that.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
4:04 pm on
July 9th, 2010Hi Leah.
Thanks for taking the time to write, and for sharing your experiences. You might want to check out my last two comments on this post to see my response to, “Everyone is ADHD.” That opinion is part of the reason why I’m writing so extensively about ADHD, to dispell that myth.
And thank you for sharing YOUR journey with us!
Take care,
Zoë
Denim
4:09 pm on
July 9th, 2010Zoe, I think you read some of the above comments and became frustrated. I could be wrong. But I just saw me in you and that was liberating. “One Voice Singing in the Darkness”. I heard you!!!Thank you!
I would send you my phone number, but if you get rich and famous then I might get famous too. Nope, nada, not even for you!!!
A. Marina Fournier
7:59 pm on
July 9th, 2010I have a friend who is free with her dx of ADHD, and it is part of her charm. Her current boyfriend knew about the ADHD before they started dating, because we’re all Wiccans in the same traadition (think sect, in Protestant terms), and we tend to know things like that about each other when we talk so freely. That way we can lend support when it’s needed.
I’d be open with my friends (I am about being bipolar AND stable on meds), not so much at work, unless it makes a noticeable impact on your quality & output at work. Since you work at PsychCentral, this was probably not an issue.
I was one of 3 bipolars at my last job, in a population of 9. Also one of 3 women, and two of us had BP. The other woman’s was more severe than mine, but nobody seemed upset about the time she had to be away–and the street address was 5150, which in CA at least means “confine to a locked ward for observation for 72 hrs”. We thought that was funny.
Unless I’m getting a job in a mental health setting, I don’t advertise my status. However, I’m open with it to total strangers!
I like your idea about a singles group for folk with ADHD. I’m known for my highly tangential & nonsequitur remarks. I also parse what people are saying completely wrong some days, when my brain isn’t fully engaged. If that’s what you do on dates, that makes you fear withdraw on the guy’s part, then I’d tell him by the 3rd date.
I’m not a terribly linear thinker, either, as you can see from my verbal wanderings in this comment!
Marina
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
8:10 pm on
July 9th, 2010Hi Marina.
Maybe it’s just that we’re both ADHD and speak the same language, but I thought your comments were quite clear. Thank you so much for visiting my blog and for sharing your story here. And I totally get what you’re saying about the Wiccan community; I’ve given drum workshops at large pagan festivals here in Canada, and the community is so open, compassionate and welcoming that everyone feels they’ve found a home, at least for a little while, where we can really be themselves. It helps that we’re all grounded (so to speak) in earth-based spirituality, and joined by our profound respect for nature, for respecting each other’s differences, and for creating an accepting community where the best in each other is celebrated, and the vulnerabilities handled with great care, a gentle touch, and much support.
Thanks for dropping by!
BB,
Zoë
Tom
3:38 am on
July 12th, 2010Zoe, respectfully, you write this blog using your legal name, and your own website comes up first on google. So it is hard to imagine how someone who is computer literate, who is considering going on a date (or certainly a second date) with you, _wouldn’t_ know that you have AHDD. You have already done vast amounts of disclosure about the topic, and how it impacts your personal life.
When google and other search engines are used more frequently than the phone book, one should just assume that one’s innamorati (and a high percentage of potential employers) have spent five seconds checking online.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
7:16 am on
July 12th, 2010Uh…thanks, Tom.
You should meet my friend Sharen. SHE’s the one who googles my potential dates for me. Yes, I am computer literate. I’m probably also too trusting. But when someone tells me they haven’t searched me online, I believe them.
(and I’m glad I’m easily found online. I used to have a digital marketing company and I specialize in getting small to medium sized companies in the Top 10 of a Google search result. How ELSE am I going to become rich and famous?! …lol ).
Take care,
Z.
P.S. – “one should just assume that one’s innamorati (and a high percentage of potential employers) have spent five seconds checking online.” – love the word “innamorati”
P.P.S. – is this why I have to work for myself?! 
biglife
7:26 am on
July 17th, 2010ADHD is the Cadillac of mental health diagnoses. Personally, I view it as a mere side effect of my creative genius and a force to be envied. I, too, was (officially) diagnosed as an adult, (in my 30′s) and have spent my entire life accommodating the difficulties other people sometime have dealing with it. No more. I think I’ve had to develop exceptional perception skills, so I usually can tell rather quickly if a new person is going to be worth the effort or not. Most of the time when I meet new people who seem to have an issue with my ADHD, I’m the prize in the equation, so THEY can adapt, or they can lose out. I’ll try to go slow if the person seems worth it, but for the most part, I’m done being the one doing all the work. My life has gotten a hell of a lot less stressful since I’ve adopted this strategy and I’ve become just all-around far more happier.
Zoë Kessler, BA, B.Ed. (Adult Education)
12:07 pm on
July 17th, 2010Wow, strong words! Thanks for writing. I really like the confidence and sense of self you express here and if I’m being totally honest, I envy it a bit, too. I would love to know how long it’s been since your diagnosis, in other words, did it take a while to develop this self-confident self-acceptance? One thing that stands out for me in particular: I long ago learned that it’s just not worth trying to be friends or anything else with someone who just doesn’t “get it.” The effort costs too much, and there is very rarely anything to gain. When there are so many people in the world, I’ve come to believe that it’s best to surround myself with those who enhance my life, not detract from it.
Thanks again for reading my blog post and sending in your bold thoughts!
Cheers,
Zoë
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