Healing your ADHD past: Zoë learns (again) it ain't over 'til it's over.It’s amazing how the threads of our lives come together. I just got off the phone with Myla. I’m sorry to have kept everyone waiting so long to hear about our reunion. In fact, all I really want to do right now is lie on the floor and pet Samantha. Precious seconds are wasting…

But I promised I’d tell you what happened on Friday. As I nervously awaited my friend’s arrival, I mused about what I would say, what I should say, and then reminded myself to stay in the moment.

Just as I finished writing my last blog post, letting you know that this reunion was coming, the door opened and there she was. She held her arms open wide, and we embraced, holding onto each other for a long time. “I missed you,” we both said. What a relief.

Sam’s first two (human) moms

In hindsight, Myla’s timing is incredible. It was Myla whom Samantha first fell in love with. Sam was only seven weeks old when I got her. She was so young, her eyes were still blue. I lived with Myla and her family at the time, so Myla was Sam’s other mom. Sam’s favorite, in fact. It seems fitting that Myla is here at the end of Sam’s life, too.

It takes two to tangle

But back to our reunion. As I wrote last week’s blog post, I kept thinking that I felt responsible for our blowup. Yet I also know the old adage that when it comes to arguments, it’s never one-sided.  Still, I knew full well my part in what had happened, but try as I might, I couldn’t figure out what role my friend had played when the s*it hit the fan.

I was reminded of how often I take the default position of being 100% to blame if I’m in an argument with a friend or loved one. I’ve always known that my sense of guilt and exaggerated burden of responsibility is a hangover from a shame-laden childhood, and I’ve tried to keep things in perspective. But losing this particular friendship, especially at a time when so many other things in my life were unraveling, was devastating.

Everything stays the same…and doesn’t

I was more convinced than ever it was my evil ADHD twin that had busted up our friendship.

Sitting in a local restaurant, laughing just like old times, I kept thinking, “I sure know how to pick great friends.” Sure, I haven’t always been able to keep ‘em, but I sure do know how to pick ‘em. Myla’s great qualities were all there: her wisdom; her genuine warmth and caring; her love for and active participation in her children’s lives; and of course her easy laughter. Witnessing this, it was all the more difficult to imagine her having any role whatsoever in what had happened. I was more convinced than ever it was my evil ADHD twin that had busted up our friendship.

We ate our fish and chips specials, talked and laughed, and  it was almost like seven years hadn’t passed. Except something was different. There was a serenity, a calmness about her that I hadn’t seen before. And I felt like less of an anxious jerk. I actually felt I had gained some social skills. (But who am I to judge?)

The Aha! moment

As we said goodbye, she suddenly said, “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life at that time [when our friendship had ended]. I needed some space to find myself.” So that’s it, I thought. That was her part. Maybe, if her life had been more together back then, she might have been able to hang in there with me and our friendship might have continued.

As she pointed out, both of our lives were in turmoil at that time.

And, of course, the universe unfolds as it should.

While we’ve both grown, and changed in some ways, what hasn’t changed is that thread of true friendship and caring that has always been there. I’m glad we’ve been able to pick up that thread again.

Full circle

When we were still friends, Myla and me and our dogs would go for long walks through the woods, over ice fields, by rivers and lakes, nearly every day, all year ‘round. Myla lost her “best friend” only recently. I was so happy when she called tonight, because Sam and I are having a very rough time.

“Just let me know when you’re ready,” she said. “She was our little Sammy; I’ll come with you.”

It feels like our lives, mine, Myla’s, and Samantha’s, have come full circle. Myla and I were both there at the beginning, welcoming her into our lives. It looks like we’ll both be there to say goodbye. I’m glad to have someone to hold me up.

 

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    Last reviewed: 6 Mar 2012

APA Reference
Kessler, Z. (2012). Can We Heal Our ADHD Past? Find Out…. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 29, 2014, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd-zoe/2012/03/can-we-heal-our-adhd-past-find-out/

 

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