Fame: good for ADHD symptoms, or not? Photo ©Kelly Babcock, July 2011

In Almost Famous: Re-thinking Being a Famous ADHDer, Part I, I began to think about what it might be like to achieve my goal of being a famous writer.

ADHD + success = trouble?

With the recent passing of British singer Amy Winehouse, I started worrying about success luring me to the dark side, unleashing my less healthy tendencies.

Would fame and fortune erode all my hard work, neutralize my ADHD meds, and unleash the pre-diagnosis beast within? Worse, would it exaggerate my less-than-desirable traits?

Bad dog!

To counteract these negative musings, I reminded myself that I can choose, especially now that I know about my ADHD, who I want to be. An incident from the past reminded me of the malleability of human nature. Funny enough, the incident involved not a human, but a dog; my dog Samantha.

When Sam was a pup, she surprised me during a walk. Unprovoked, she suddenly bared her teeth and viciously growled at another dog. She hadn’t done this before. I was shocked and frightened.

I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and pushed her to the grass, saying, “No! Bad girl!” I didn’t physically hurt her, but I was firm, asserting my alpha-girl status.  She’s never done it again.

Samantha and Zoë in Tobermory, summer, 2010

I’ve been able to nurture Sam’s friendly, affectionate nature – while letting her nasty side atrophy. I’m convinced that, had I wanted to, I could have encouraged her German Shepherd/hunter instincts. I could have created a vicious, protective guard dog if that’s what I’d wanted. It certainly WASN’T what I wanted, and I’m delighted with the funny little character she’s turned out to be.

I like to think I can apply the same lesson to myself as I did with my dog.

Self-reflection = self-direction

In fact, I’ve been applying it, my whole life. I’ve long held the belief that all of us are capable of shaping who we are, by choosing to either feed or starve various aspects of our personalities. I’ve also believed that we all have the full spectrum of traits, running the gamut from angelic to demonic, in different measures (not unlike the nature of ADHD itself, which is comprised of various traits which we display to varying degrees, resulting in ADHD showing up differently in each of us).

This belief is based partly on observation, partly on historical record (Nazi Germany being an oft-cited example), and partly on my studies in psychology.

A heart attack waiting to happen

Applying this belief, when I was in my 20′s I decided not to go to law school. I’d been accepted, but intuitively feared that had I gone, I’d feed my ruthlessly competitive side. I’d end up a criminal lawyer, caring only about winning, and die of a heart attack before the age of 30 (you know how vivid my imagination is!)

Instead, I fed other, more noble qualities in myself and I’m happy with the person I’ve become.

My ADHD diagnosis and treatment helped tremendously. I can now (usually) think before speaking (avoiding making hurtful blurts); I’m more self-accepting, which decreases my anxiety and lets me feel more comfortable around others; I’ve implemented my own behavioral modification and self-coaching programs, which means I’m rarely late anymore (amongst other achievements).

The evidence

My fears that fame and fortune would render me a narcissistic jerk are well-founded. As a child, I bullied my sister. Through adolescence and adulthood, I’ve had a quick temper and tons of anger. I’ve fought addictive tendencies. I’ve made idiotic remarks when under too much stress and pressure. And on and on…

Even recently, one of my closest friends accused me of narcissism. This triggered me into an emotional tailspin, making me question whether I really did have better self-awareness or not. (I’ve since decided it was in equal measure her personality and mine, and the clash between the two, that led to her remark, but still…it scared me. A lot).

When demands increase, ADHD symptoms do too

ADHD is a situational condition. In other words, our symptoms are fueled by increased demands and stress. When I envision what my life might be with, say, a bestselling book out there, I can see the challenge of facing a number of extra demands.

I imagine working more hours than I’m used to; living up to more people’s expectations; taking on more projects, and so on. Will this erode my fledgling sense of self-control, new level of organization and relative emotional calm? I have no idea. That’s what scares me.

Taking care of me – going for balance

On the other hand, if I had the money to do it, I’d hire a personal assistant. At the moment, I’m my own secretary, marketing and publicity agent, web designer, admin staff, etc., etc., etc. – AND I do all the work!

I’d also have a massage once a week, and take time off (one day a week would be nice), all things I don’t currently do. Together, would these changes keep me sane? Organized? Calm? Able to handle increasing demands gracefully?

Again, I have no idea.

One thing I know for sure is, I’m willing to find out.  Hee hee…

Wish me luck. And if I start turning into a prima donna/self-centred jerk – tell me, ok?

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    Last reviewed: 30 Jul 2011