PART I

10:25 am  Zoë   Jeff, I’ve been thinking about how ADHD has impacted my family relationships. Yet again, as Christmas approaches, I find myself composing a letter to my entire family saying, “Hey, guess what? I was diagnosed with ADHD…yadda yadda” and listing the applicable symptoms, in an effort to re-connect, let them know I feel estranged, and try to explain some of my past behaviour. I’m wondering how your own diagnosis relates to your family connections?

10:28 am  Jeff   My problems have been much less so in terms of family connections and much more an issue concerning friend and business relationships.

So I, too, have thought about composing a letter that I would send out to former business acquaintances explaining why I flaked out on them.

ADHDer Zoë Kessler and her Dad

10:29 am   Zoë  In the past, I think about writing the letter, then I conclude, what’s the point? Feelings of rejection battle w/feelings of futility, loss, hurt, and fear…

10:33 am   Jeff   My fear is exposing myself…making myself vulnerable. It’s like saying, “Hey…this is my problem…please kick me.”

10:34 am   Zoë   Oh, ya! I hear you on that one. it’s not that I think my relatives would “kick me,” per se, but it’s like admitting that I’m …well…crazy.

Funny enough, I remember feeling shocked and ya, ok, a bit superior years ago when I was at a family reunion. My cousins and I (all female) were standing around a large table in the kitchen, and they were talking about being on anti-depressants. I was shocked when I finally learned that I was the only one who HADN’T been on them (of course, they all had kids and some of them had taken them for post-partum depression, but still). Interesting how that highlights a genetic component to depression (I’m adopted), and also my sense of superiority for not having to be medicated. Have the tables turned, or what?! lol

10:36 am  Jeff   Oh yeah…that one came back to bite you.

Everyone in my family (both sides) seem to be on various types of medication. I’m the only one blessed with ADHD.

10:38 am  Zoë   And on medication, too.

10:39 am  Jeff   We’ve got so much medication here I can open up a pharmacy! Anyway…that “confession” fantasy sounds good but it’s only in my head that it would lead to some major group hug. Despite all the talk about psychological issues I still think it carries a stigma. That kind of hangs over a relationship like a fog that obscures your vision.

10:41 am   Zoë   Yes. I admit that when I think of how much “educating” I’d have to do with my family, it’s exhausting.

On the other hand, isn’t that part of my mandate? It’s just that there are so many more nuances with family members. There’s that history of hurt that has to be dealt with. There’s the feeling that I’m “making excuses” or trying to justify past behavior, and after so many years of having no relationship, what’s the point, really? Has too much water gone under the bridge?

The only reason I can possibly see to reach out is for my own sake. It would be good to put this out there, to be honest, and to share. Plus – it’s creating awareness and opportunity for dialogue. After all, I’M the one with ADHD. It’s MY responsibility to make the first move. The most important thing, if I do it, is to have NO expectations of outcome. I would do it for the sake of doing it, and with the hope that there are positive results, even if I never see them. For example, my cousin may say, “Hey, my best friend Suzie seems to have these traits too. Hmmm…I wonder…?”

STAY TUNED FOR PART II, COMING UP THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28!

Comments

This post currently has 8 comments/trackbacks. You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts on our new comments page.

Trackbacks

No trackbacks yet to this post.

    Last reviewed: 27 Oct 2010