Bob Lorincz, Guest Blogger

Introducing guest blogger, Bob Lorincz

I’m pleased to introduce guest blogger, Bob Lorincz. Bob, now 38 years old, began to hear about ADHD as he graduated high school. His diagnosis didn’t come until this September, 2010.

Bob had mentioned in his comments to ADHD from A to Zoë that he’d been diagnosed with the inattentive subtype of ADHD. As I have the hyperactivity component, I thought it would be interesting for us to share our experiences of being gender-bending ADHDers.  Here is the result of our conversation.

PART I

7:17pm  Zoë   Hey, Bob, I noticed in one of your comments to my blog that you said that you were recently diagnosed with the inattentive subtype of ADHD.

I was especially interested in the fact that we both seem to identify with a subtype of ADHD that is most commonly associated with the opposite gender. You mentioned that, you feel like maybe that’s why you “think more like a girl” and that you understand women’s perspectives, but that you “…have to be careful of when I’m around the more masculine types…”

How does this cause you problems when you’re around other men?

7:30pm  Bob   I do consider myself a more emotional and sensitive type of person. I know that men are expected to be “tough” and have that stiff-upper-lip kind of thing. I have a harder time hiding my emotions. You can say that I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I’m not careful, it’s far too easy to get picked on, if you know what I mean.

7:31pm  Zoë   I know EXACTLY what you mean. People have often told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve, too, but I identify with the HSP as well as my ADHD. But as a woman, of course, this is accepted. I do see in our culture, esp. depending on your age, a more emotional man can have a difficult time, depending on the community he’s living in.

For me, I find that my hyperactivity can come out as loudness, I can be a bit “rough around the edges,” as in, outspoken, tell-it-like-it-is (I’m a strictly no b*lls*it zone), and I admit that on occasion I swear like a trooper. I realize that’s not “acceptable” behaviour for a “lady.”

Recently I heard a psychiatrist giving a lecture on ADHD say, “You don’t see the hyperactivity in women” and I was really angry.

7:39pm  Bob   I can see why that would upset you, Zoë.  Assumptions and stereotypes can be a real emotional minefield.

In my case, people sometimes wonder if I really do have ADHD because I’m not the bouncing off the walls, hyperactive type. I really wasn’t like that as a kid either. On the contrary, I was the kind whose attention would so easily drift off task. I was always daydreaming.

Sure, I had a temper, but I wasn’t the kind who would turn the class upside down.

Zoë Kessler, ADHD Warrior Princess

7:42pm  Zoë   I find it interesting that neither of us were diagnosed in childhood. Me – I was hyperactive, and just got in trouble and was sent out in hall for being the class clown, or talking too much or whatever. You were probably missed because, like the girl ADHDers, you didn’t stir up trouble.

7:49pm  Bob   Well… yes and no. I didn’t SEEK trouble but it would often find me sometimes. I didn’t want to be picked on, I just wanted to be left alone, BUT there were plenty of those who would force the issue and I’d end up in one kind of confrontation or another. I wasn’t entirely a doormat though. If I didn’t like a wisecrack about me, I’d call them on it. Yes, I was the target of bullies, be they other kids or adults who probably should have known better.

I did have a thin skin, and I just couldn’t take the barrage of insults from other kids. I’d get angry and of course, kids being kids, they’d feed on it. It would get to the point where I’d literally be in tears. It didn’t feel good to have a reputation as a crybaby. AND frustrated teachers would often think that I was just causing problems to get attention. It wasn’t good.

7:58pm  Zoë   That sounds AWFUL. It’s amazing how this ADHD thing (and I’m sure there are other factors) can cause us to be targets of cruel comments and ill treatment. For me, school wasn’t nearly so bad. Being a girl tomboy, I guess, was accepted. And I sure had a lot of fun as a kid (although I got in a TON of trouble for my adventures!).

It wasn’t until young adulthood, and even in later years, that I began to feel quite “weird” about my gender identity. I mean, I never could “get” the typical girly-girl stuff (I know I’m stereotyping here, but stay with me)…for example, I hated shopping, hated gossip, am bored to tears by small talk, can’t be bothered wearing makeup or a bra, couldn’t care less about “fashion,” etc., etc., etc., and maybe I AM stereotyping, but I still feel very alienated by what passes for femininity in our culture.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing (now), but then, when I was in my 20′s say, I just couldn’t do what it took to “fit in” with my gender. And it really bothered me.

I mean, REALLY bothered me. To the point where I started to wonder if I had too much testosterone? Was I gay? (Not that that would be bad, but it was confusing to be questioning this, esp. when I knew I was attracted to men). Let’s just say, I was more rambunctious than any other women I knew, liked the energy of a hard tennis game w/ a man, prefer drumming with men (same thing: high male energy), etc.

When I was diagnosed w/ADHD…it all fell into place…except for one thing..I’m NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE HYPERACTIVITY PART!!!

Once I was diagnosed and started learning about ADHD, I felt like, here I have this neurobiological disorder, or whatever, and I CAN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT! Man, did I feel sorry for myself for a while… lol

8:12pm  Bob   As I was navigating my way thorough childhood, I didn’t have many male friends because of the whole “crybaby” thing. I found more solace in the company of girls. They were more sympathetic, understanding and just easier to talk to than my fellow males.

Girls didn’t have such an aggressive sense of humour; they weren’t the ones putting me down and expecting me to come back at them with an equally clever zinger. I wasn’t that quick a thinker, and I’m still not.

I had a few typically male interests, like cars, computers, video games, science and technology, etc., but I didn’t have much of an interest in sports. I was not athletically inclined at all. I admit it, I was, and still am, a nerd/geek.

As a teen, the girls started becoming more interested in the masculine types and less interested in me. I wasn’t overly interested in dating anyway because of what was drummed into my head by my very strict parents.

As I was in the process of graduating high school, I started hearing about ADD in various news reports on TV, newspapers, etc., but it was still thought of as a childhood thing, something you grew out of. It’s now twenty years later, and I’ve only just got a diagnosis [Sept. 17, 2010].

Read PART II of ADHD Gender Benders.

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    Last reviewed: 14 Oct 2010