I’ve always had a keen interest in philosophy, psychology, world religions, and any other kind of reading that might shed light on the big questions of Who Am I?, Where Do I Come From?, and What Is My Purpose?

I’ve been wondering if my current favorite, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which has been on The New York Times Bestseller List for over eight years, could be specifically applied to my life as an ADHDer?

Ruiz was born into a family of Mexican healers, including his healer mother and shaman grandfather. Instead of pursuing a career in medicine, for which he was trained, after a near-death experience Miguel devoted himself to sharing the ancient Toltec wisdom of his ancestors.

In The Four Agreements, Ruiz suggests that the way to overcome our social domestication, and to live life authentically and with integrity, is by following these four agreements:

1 ) Be Impeccable with Your Word

2 ) Don’t Take Anything Personally

3 ) Don’t Make Assumptions

4 ) Always Do Your Best

These principles resonated with me on a personal level, even before I was diagnosed. I decided it might be enlightening to revisit them to see how they might apply to someone with adult ADHD.

1 ) Be Impeccable with Your Word

The first agreement tells us to speak with integrity, and to avoid gossip. Apparently, it’s common for us ADHDers to avoid the boredom of chit-chat, preferring conversation that isn’t superficial. We’re often described as “intense,” and this is one reason why.

While being averse to making small-talk hasn’t scored points in my social or work life, Ruiz has shown me how to turn this “deficit” into a strength. You may have noticed that a lot of small-talk consists of gossip; this means that my natural avoidance both of hearing it and of participating in it, has actually given me an edge in my quest for personal integrity.  So far, so good.

Ruiz advises us to avoid putting ourselves down. This part hasn’t been quite as easy for me. I especially find self-deprecating humor to be a great stress relief, and a fun way to educate others. I’m not sure if this is different than, “… using the word to speak against yourself,” which is part of this first agreement.

Another part of this agreement is to “say only what you mean.” One of my most debilitating pre-diagnosis symptoms was impulsive blurting. So much so, that I’ve likened having ADHD to having Tourette’s Syndrome, except we speak in full sentences. I now have this under control. I keep the first agreement in mind to reinforce my resolve to be clear and concise when I speak.

2 ) Don’t Take Anything Personally

I’ve always loved this agreement, even though, as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I find it one of the most difficult. Don Miguel reminds us that others speak from their own reality, and even if they say cruel things to us, it’s a reflection of them, not us.

When someone says something hurtful or insulting to me about adult ADHD, I look to this agreement to help me remember that their opinion has nothing to do with me.

3 ) Don’t Make Assumptions

I’ve become really good at not making assumptions. The part of this agreement that says, “find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want,” I find challenging. Sometimes, extremely so.

It’s not that I find it difficult to ask questions. I ask too many. Too many, that is, according to employers, family members, past boyfriends, various teachers, etc. I have a natural curiosity and want to know EVERYTHING! I’ve met other ADHDers like this, too. Trouble is, this level of interest is almost always misinterpreted. It makes others (who don’t share our natural passion, quicksilver minds, and ability to connect everything) uncomfortable. I’ve suffered negative consequences and judgment for my over-zealous inquiries more often than not.

Having had others throughout my life look at me in incomprehension, shock, or in judgment has eroded my self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ability to trust my instincts. Speak up? Ask questions? Express what I really want? That’s going to take more practice and a larger dose of immunity to others’ reactions. I’m still learning not to take it personally.

Speaking up is even more difficult when everyone else in the room “gets it.”  If I’m overly stressed, I can become more confused. In a room where everyone is talking at once, I can’t follow one conversation. It becomes a vicious circle. I’m still working on having the gumption to reveal my discombobulated state, risking embarrassment, for the sake of clear communication.

On the other hand, I love the reminder that, even though some of us do have remarkable intuitive and psychic abilities, we can’t always read other people’s minds. We sure don’t want them assuming they know what we think, either.  As ADHDers, we’re often misinterpreted. Wouldn’t it be great if we knew others weren’t going to assume we’re lazy, stupid or crazy?!  This agreement might go a long way to remedy that.

4 ) Always Do Your Best

I love this one too! Not being Catholic, this agreement is the next best thing to confession. Or at least, to relieving me of guilt for something I’ve done that I feel I might have done better. Don Miguel reminds us that our “best” depends on the circumstances; if we’re sick, our best won’t be the same as when we’re well. He even says that our best changes “from moment to moment.”  As a formerly extremely moody ADHDer, I can relate to this.

I love the idea that I can avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret, as Miguel says, simply by doing my best. I can’t think of a better way to stay mentally healthy, and to achieve my goal of self-acceptance and self-love, than by realizing that I am always doing my best. This agreement also helps me to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards others (even the person who just said an insensitive thing to me about ADHD; I like to believe that if they could do better, they would).

What’s worked for you?

If you’ve read The Four Agreements, is it helping you with your ADHD? Do you have another philosophical book that helps you with your life as an ADHDer? If so, please let us know about it! The more resources, the better!

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    Last reviewed: 7 Jan 2011