10 Tips for Living with a Non-ADHDer

There are mixed marriages, and there are mixed marriages. If you find yourself living with someone without ADHD, you may find yourself frustrated, bored, or even at the point of divorce. Try to remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place, and follow these 10 Tips to try to cope with their sanity.

1 ) Decor / style

Your non-ADHD partner may not understand why you have a lawn gnome in the bathroom. You, on the other hand, might have to put up with a cookie-cutter house that looks just like every other house on the block to fulfill your partner’s need to “fit in with the Joneses.” Expect to make compromises.

2) Organization / rigidity

Yes, you have piles of paper strewn about your home office. Do NOT let your non-ADHD partner “organize” for you – you’ll never find anything! Gently explain that your piles of paper work just fine for you, thank you very much; you can find everything you need to accomplish whatever task you’ve set before you.

For some reason, if you have a 2-year-old, your partner will be able to cope with the child’s clutter. Your mess, however, will be intolerable and you’ll be vilified if you don’t at least try to keep the rest of the house orderly (your own office/room however, is off-limits! Set rules and enforce them!)

3 ) Non-ADHD ADHD “expert”

After your diagnosis, your non-ADHD partner might set themselves up as an “expert” on ADHD. Unless they have psychiatric training specializing in ADHD, or specialized ADHD life-coaching training, they are NOT the expert on ADHD. YOU are. You have lived with it your whole life. It’s like someone thinking they understand the customs, language, cognitive processes, values, etc. of a country they’ve never visited.

4 ) Corollary to 3): don’t take the default position of blame after your diagnosis

After your diagnosis, you may feel so bad about disrupting your relationship that you’ll take the default position of ALWAYS being in the wrong. YOU’RE NOT. Nobody is perfect, not even your “normal” partner. Sometimes, their own issues, baggage and simple humanity will rear ITS ugly head, and they’ll act like a jerk. Don’t let them set themselves up as a Saint and designate you as the Demon. That won’t help anyone. Expect them to f*ck up too, and don’t be afraid to call them on it.

5 ) Inability to focus

While engaged in an exciting conversation, you may want to follow your natural inclination to riff on and on in a near-manic state of enthusiasm, flipping from topic to topic. Don’t. They won’t be able to follow you and they may accuse you of being narcissistic, only interested in your own ideas (not realizing that if you don’t let it all out in a big, excited spew, you’ll lose your train of thought).

Try to speak in small chunks. That way they’ll be able to focus on what you’re saying. Let them get a word in edgewise. This will take practice, but with patience, you’ll be able to master it (some of the time). They’ll appreciate and love you for it. It will bring you closer to their world.

OK, guys, that’s probably enough for now. Go ahead and practice the first 5 Tips for Living with a Non-ADHDer.  On Wednesday, I’ll share the final 5 Tips.

Stay Tuned!

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Lisa Moore (August 9, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (August 9, 2010)

ADHD Fever (August 9, 2010)

Linda Fox/ADHD coach (August 9, 2010)

Yannick Pauli (August 10, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
Is It You, Me, or Adult non-ADHD? 10 Tips for Living with a non-ADDer | ADHD from A to Zoë (August 11, 2010)

Tiffany deSilva, MSW (August 11, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
2010 ADHD: from A to Zoë Blog Post Roundup | ADHD from A to Zoë (January 1, 2011)

    Last reviewed: 9 Aug 2010