Okay, here’s the thing: it’s been about four years since my ADHD diagnosis. And although I’ve already chronicled all of the improvements I think I’ve made in my life, there is still one niggling detail.

In situations of high stress, like a high-strung thoroughbred at the starting gate of the Queen’s Cup, jockey pulling on the reins, a silver bit cutting painfully into my flesh, I try to keep my big, fat, mouth shut. It’s all I can do to hang on without bolting out the gate. Meaning: blurting something stupid, irrelevant, unconnected, or that I completely didn’t mean.

Does this happen to you?

I’ve never talked about this with other ADHDers, and I’ve never solicited input from my blog readers before, but I really, really want to know: do you find yourself exhausted, just from the sheer effort of self-restraint, after – for example – going on a date with someone new? Going to a job interview? Meeting someone new at a party? Or any situation of heightened anxiety?

Annie Hall ain’t got nothin’ on ADHD-Grrl…

I mean, it’s like being in that scene from Annie Hall. You know the one (at least, if you’re my age, or an old -time Woody Allen movie buff): Woody Allen  and Diane Keaton are standing on a balcony overlooking New York City. They’re making innocuous chitchat, the kind you make on a first date; nothing too challenging or provocative, all the while their minds are racing ahead of their mouths. Allen portrays their conversation by depicting their inner thoughts, the ones that run parallel to their spoken words, as subtitles. It’s brilliant. We chuckle to ourselves as we recognize situations like this from our own lives. I’m sure everyone experiences this inner dialogue from time-to-time.

The 24/7 of self-monitoring…

BUT – what’s not so funny, is having to do this nearly 24/7 (I say “nearly,” because I’m pretty sure I don’t do it in my sleep, if my dreams are any indication!). It’s exhausting. It’s constant self-editing, self-censorship, second-guessing our every word – it’s the opposite of being relaxed and at ease. The opposite of just letting it all hang out…if we do that, it’s the verbal equivalent of walking around with our fly down (at least for the boy ADDers), and it ain’t pretty.

So little time, so much to lose…

And it happens mostly in situations that mean the most to us, those where we feel that we have the most to lose. It’s so far beyond wanting to make a good first impression: we ADHDers do it out of sheer terror that if we don’t, we’ll make yet another heinous, socially unacceptable remark that will vilify us forever in the eyes of the beholder (or rather, the ears of the listener, whether prospective employer, new friend, business partner, whatever…)

ADHD Grrrrl on a date

It goes something like this:

See what I mean? Impossible.

TELL ME I’m not the only one who goes through this! Pleeeeaaase….!!!

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    Last reviewed: 2 Jul 2010