Yesterday I had one of those a-ha moments. I realized that a friend of mine has been offering me jars of termites while I’m trying to build a log house. I also realized that I’ve been avoiding those offerings.

If anyone brings me a quiche, I’ll take it. Carpenter ants, not a chance.

Crushed confidence

I’ve spent the past four years analyzing how ADHD has kiboshed my life. One of its most devastating effects has been the remarks I received as a child and their impact on my self-confidence and self-esteem. Think – crushed ant.

If you’re anything like me, your childhood and adult years were full of insults, put-downs, and twisted interpretations of your behavior.  As a child, if I’d say black, my mom would say white. Who was wrong? She was the grown-up, had all the authority, so it had to be me who was crazy, right?  Ours was what could be called a classic “crazy-making” relationship, and its impact on my self-esteem and confidence has been profound.

It’s no coincidence that a much-loved ADHD tome is called, You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?. Almost all of us have heard one, or all of these, especially if we’re undiagnosed (or misdiagnosed) –  a loose ADHD canon barreling down main street, blowing up job opportunities, best friends, and innocent dogs in our pathway.

Choose quiche, not carpenter ants, when re-building

Now that I’m rebuilding my life, I’ve realized that by believing the negative comments, I’ve chosen a life of pain. Now I’m letting the negative effects atrophy. At the same time, I’m building up my new house with a positive self-image. I can choose quiche over carpenter ants, and I definitely prefer quiche. When you’re building a log house, it’s so much more helpful to fill it with good, nourishing food and yummy smells, rather than run-amok, wood-eating insects.

A new foundation

In my new toolbox, is the ability to ignore comments that tear me down, rather than build me up. I’m not looking to pump up my ego, I’m looking to re-build a solid foundation, a sense of myself as a capable, wonderful human.

It’s not that I’m closed to constructive criticism, or that I don’t think I have improvements to make. The key is “constructive” versus “destructive.” If I’m going to renovate myself, I want good materials to work with. I want co-workers (friends, family, workmates, etc.) to be happy, positive workers, to notice what needs improvement, and to contribute positively to its repair and growth.

Like building a log house, building my confidence takes a lot of skill and effort. But with ongoing attention, the more I work at it, the sooner it will be done.

A safe new home for an ADHD gal

Yesterday on the job-site, I received both quiche (a friendly gesture that fed me) and a jar of carpenter ants (an out-of-the-blue and non-helpful negative remark) from a friend. And I realized that I’d already moved into my beautiful, still under-construction, new home. I chose the quiche, and left the jar of ants outside with the lid tightly screwed on. My new home protects me. It’s cozy, man.

I realized that if I’m building my own reality (and we all are), then I get to choose what to put into it.  Instead of being passive about it, as I was in childhood, I’ve now found (or created) the tools I need to build my own house instead of having a prison of negative images built up around me.

I’m just about finished tearing down that old structure, rarely visit it anymore. Every once in a while I go out to the back 40 and look at the rubble and the few bits of wall standing, and realize I have a bit more work to do.

Photo by ©Zoë Kessler, June 2010

Welcome, come on in!

My new home is glorious. It’s worth taking care of, and ongoing maintenance will be required. So, if you want to be my friend, my lover, my boss, my…anything…bring me quiche, not carpenter ants. And come on in. I’m happy to share.

*  *  *  *  *

THIS JUST IN: Doo-doo-doo-doo…(sung to the theme of The Twilight Zone)… I didn’t plan this, honest, but when this post went online, it was listed just below one called 4 Questions to Free Yourself from Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTS) by Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., fellow blogger at Psycb Central. It’s a great companion read to this article, so please check it out. Too cool, eh?!

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From Psych Central's website:
ADHD Autopilot, heading for a mountainside, when is it ADHD? | ADHD from A to Zoë (June 4, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
2010 ADHD: from A to Zoë Blog Post Roundup | ADHD from A to Zoë (January 1, 2011)

    Last reviewed: 2 Jun 2010