“But you got to have friends, friends, the feeling’s oh so strong”

I used to sing along with this lyric from a song called “Friends” on the Bette Midler album, The Divine Miss M.  Like most women I know, I run to my girlfriends when things go wrong.

From friends to fireworks

Over the years, I’ve formed deep friendships with women. I’ve also destroyed more than a few friendships along the way. The worst endings happened by sudden trainwrecks, fueled by impulsive blurting of some outlandish or hurtful comment I hadn’t meant.

The controller out of control

I’d be the engineer, driving us into doom. While both of us walked away from the wreckage, my injuries included knowing I was to blame. Now, I blame my ADHD symptoms. I’ve always known I’m not a cruel person, which made these incidents even more baffling. Why couldn’t I stop these random disasters? I was as puzzled as anyone else. ADHD has shown me that the controller was out of control (this phenomenon is often referred to as difficulties with the brain’s executive functioning).

By the time I was 47, my symptoms had escalated. I was chronically late, forgetful, blurtatious. On the bright side, I had one friend who understood ADD.

Marg (not her real name), who’d been struggling for years to help her ADD grandson, would be the one person who would forgive my friendship transgressions while I struggled to overcome my symptoms. Or so I thought.

An ADHD train wreck

I told Marg about my diagnosis. Soon after, we arranged a visit. I looked forward to her insights and support.

On the appointed day, she arrived at an empty house. I’d completely forgotten. More accurately, I’d been eagerly anticipating our visit, but on that day (like so many others), I’d been so distracted that I wasn’t there when she arrived.

Although we’d had some rocky times, I loved my friend Marg and felt a close bond with her. I looked forward to a fresh beginning, while I learned more about ADHD and how to control my symptoms.

What I got was an angry diatribe on the phone later that day. The one friend whom I’d thought would understand, pronounced that I obviously didn’t care about our friendship because I couldn’t be bothered to be there when she arrived. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I understood her angry and hurt feelings. Still, I felt annihilated.

Hitting rock bottom

Our friendship ended that day. I felt like an alcoholic hitting rock bottom, after having watched my life fall apart over the course of the past four years.

There’s no excuse for my behavior, but at least now I know there’s a reason. And I’ve learned what I need in a friendship.

Adding fuel to the ADD fire

Often, a woman with a late ADHD diagnosis has had a lifetime of blame, criticism and misunderstanding. Statistically, she’s likely to have had at least one or two divorces, lost a few jobs and has fraying ties with friendships and family. If she’s also a highly sensitive person (HSP), like many ADHDers, you’ve got a recipe for relationship disaster. For an ADHD woman especially (as opposed to a woman without a legacy of confidence-crushing experiences) friendships need to bolster, not bash, her self-esteem.

ADHD friendships: daunting, but doable

Creating lasting friendships can seem daunting, but it’s doable. Here’s how.

Traits of a Chick-A-D-D Best Bud

• She might be Martha Stewart, but she won’t hold it against you if you aren’t
• She doesn’t take it personally if you’re late, forgetful, or scattered
• She gently reminds you if you’re interrupting the conversation, rather than getting angry
• She’ll correct you if you’ve misinterpreted what she’s said
• She’s not embarrassed by your outlandish, sometimes childlike joie de vivre and in fact, enjoys it
• She values and appreciates your creativity and other positive attributes more than she’s bugged by your “deficits”
• She’s not judgmental if you’re self-medicating, but neither is she an enabler
• She’s encouraging and supportive of your abilities, and compassionate about your mess-ups
• She likes you just the way you are and doesn’t expect, demand or suggest that you change
• She supports and encourages you when you decide to make changes
• She laughs at your jokes, she makes you laugh

Sound too good to be true? It’s not! I have a friend like this (see the photo above). Keep searching, it’s worth it!

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    Last reviewed: 27 Feb 2011