[Feel free to check out Part I and Part II of this discussion if you missed them!]

You nervous? Me too…

This’ll have to be a quickie. It’s a blog post, not a book, after all. I’ll get straight to the climax: ADHDers have a different relationship with sex than others. At least, the hyperactive ADHDers do (I’ll speak for myself).

Sex has been used for many things. Among them: to create a beautiful, intimate connection, as a sacred act, for procreation, entertainment, stress relief, as a bargaining chip, and, for some ADHDers, as medication.

Let’s explore the last one first.

Partner Sex As Self-Medication

Last week’s post, Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, Part II: Drugs, talked about self-medication. Sex might well have fallen into that category. If dopamine levels are raised by sexual activity (and this appears to be the case), then why wouldn’t someone with ADD run after a little sumthin’ sumthin’ in an effort to increase a flagging supply? Unfortunately, when you’re not diagnosed, you’re not aware that this is what you’re doing. In effect, you’re using your sexual partner to self-medicate. (Is this where the expression, “His wife’s a real pill” came from?).

Heads up, people! Your partner (spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, date, one-night stand, etc.) is NOT your ADHD treatment plan. Unless they want to be (hey, whatever you’re into).

Masturbation as Self-Medication

It doesn’t take a partner to self-medicate with sex. From infancy, anxiety-ridden and hyperactive ADHDers have used an age-old, non-pharmaceutical method of stress-relief: masturbation.

Easing symptoms this way can be a tricky form of self-medication. The practice is frowned upon by some religions (yay, I’m not Catholic!), and dark social taboos against masturbating tell us we’ll go blind if we indulge, hair will grow on our palms, and various body parts will drop off. Kids who use this practice to address their unmedicated ADHD have to weigh the fear of consequences against the need for relief, and suffer shame-producing inner conflict as a result. Unless, of course, they’re raised to believe that their own bodies are sacred, beautiful and that pleasure is a natural human function. I wish.

Adults can suffer the same fears and societally-induced self-recrimination. Am I committing a sin? How much is too much? Am I becoming obsessive-compulsive in my need to masturbate for relief? Only your own body and spirit know for sure. One great guideline is: are you hurting yourself or others (including God)? If not, you’re probably OK.  But again, this takes awareness to determine. A diagnosis can help you re-evaluate the role of sexuality in your life, and to redefine your relationship with it if you need to. Others self-stimulate with exercise, fast driving, binge eating, etc. Choose wisely.

Distracted or Over-Focused?

How would you like to have sex with someone who’s constantly getting distracted?  You’re expressing deep passion and love, executing your most eloquent moves, and you notice your partner’s eyes wandering to the antique chair she bought last week.  You can read her thoughts: “Does that chair really work in that corner?” Definite turn-off.

Or, on the bright side, maybe you can get your ADHD partner to hyper-focus. (We can do that, you know). Together, you can keep your trysts tightly focused. Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn (unfortunate last name for this post…) described this kind of lovemaking beautifully in his song, “The Coldest Night of the Year”:

When two lovers really love there’s nothing there
But the suddenly compact universe
Of skin and breath and hair

Now, that’s focus.

Easily Bored

Other ADHD-related sex challenges are that we’re easily bored. This can lead to a constant search for variety in new partners, preventing us from establishing a permanent bond. Is this a bad thing? Yes – and no. Depends on what you’re looking for. It’s all a matter of perspective, but again, not hurting yourself or others seems like a good guide. If she wants a ring on her finger, and you’re looking for other bells to ring, there will be pain. Be clear about what you want and need. Find out how to get it.

Impulsivity

Impulsivity in sexual behavior can lead to disease, unwanted pregnancy (witness yours truly) and bad partnerships. Or, with consciousness, you can turn impulsivity into healthy spontaneity – your choice.

Knowing what you need to treat your ADHD, what you need to feel loved and accepted, what you want to express through intimacy with another and how you really feel about your body and its ability to give pleasure to yourself and others, will help you have a healthy relationship with sexuality.

*Phew* I’m glad we had this little talk.

For a fun and interesting discussion about ADD and masturbation, click here.

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    Last reviewed: 26 Feb 2011