Archives for weakness
I have things to do. I have stuff going on in my life. I have problems, and projects, and hopes and dreams. I have things to do, to take care of, to get through or enjoy. I don't have time for ADHD. So, I'm asking if I can take a break from it ... please? It would be such a relief to not have to deal with all the little stuff that it brings into my life.
I get some interesting reactions when I tell people I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was fifty. I'm pretty sure that some of them are the result of people thinking, "How did no one know before then?" I'm equally sure that some are caused by people who are still willing to believe that ADHD, particularly Adult ADHD, do not exist. Many of those people also believe that vaccines cause autism, prisons correct behaviour issues, the world is flat, the moon landing was faked ... you get the picture. And then there are the people who can't help but wonder what I was thinking all those years if I actually had ADHD all along and didn't know what was wrong with me.
Lately I've been a little bit tired. And I can't really say why, to be quite honest. I don't mean I'm not at liberty to tell you why, I just mean I can't think why I'm feeling this way. I do know that since I've kind of retired, I'm really busy. But I'm damned if I can remember what all I've done. And I blame this whole thing totally and completely on my ADHD!
There are people who debate the existence of hyper-focus. There are those who say it isn't focus if you can't control it. The term comes from being focused on something to the exclusion of all else, whether there are more important things that need ones attention. So, since it is about being focused on, and unable to withdraw that focus, I'm okay with the term hyper-focus, so long as it isn't suggested that I can turn it on and direct it toward something. But there is no one who will argue the validity of the label “hyperactive.” While I take exception to the other words in the name “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder,” and while the “hyperactive” part doesn't apply to all of us and is therefore suspect as well, the truth is that for those of us that have the “H” gene, it is absolutely the perfect term.
In so many ways, ADHD is the disorder of "All or Nothing!" When we are on the ball and focused, we do it all. All the things we need to do get done. And that's a good thing? Right? Well, except for when we give people the impression that that is our standard operating procedure, our S.O.P. But when we go off the tracks with rampant symptom experiences we can just as easily get nothing done that was required of us. We might even, at that point, get all the wrong things done. A different kind of "all" that results in "nothing."
I have no idea what a “day off” actually is. I just realized that. Yes, I've had days off from jobs I've held. It's true. And I always looked forward to them. And now that I work mostly for myself, and especially now that I'm winding that work down, I've been declaring that this day or that one is a day off. But I really haven't got a clue what that could possibly mean. For one thing, these so called days off seem to be full of me doing all kinds of little things I'd set aside as being unimportant enough to take up time on work days.
As a writer, I detest the phrase, “going forward” as a description of conditions under which certain actions will be appropriate. Why? Because it describes the one condition that will absolutely take place. “This will be our policy going forward.” Well, yes it will be. But “This will be our policy.” says exactly the same thing. But as an ADHD writer, I want to reclaim the phrase, “going forward,” and redefine it.
Ability to focus or not, I can work on things. But I don't want to talk about focus today. Nor do I want to talk about hyperfocus, or whether it exists, or whether it should be called perseveration, or whether it can be used to our advantage ... Nor do I want to discuss how long it can take one of us to do a large project and see it through to the end. Some of us can, most of us struggle, some of us fail. 'Nuff said. I also don't want to talk about time perception, or time management, though I do want to talk about
I do a lot of things to fill my time. I'm not bragging, I really do a lot of different things. Granted, a lot of them have to do with writing, but not all of them. And some of them have to do with computers, but not all of them. And the truth is that I still have to do the odd job as a contractor. But not so much anymore. I'm weening myself off of that addiction. Pretty soon I'll just be an occasional contractor, doing it just for myself.
Sometimes things go wrong with computers on the internet. Sometimes it's a problem with the computer and sometimes it's a problem with the internet service. We call problems with the computer, “client side” issues. Internet service problems are “server side” issues. Sometimes things go wrong in life for people with ADHD. When the things that go wrong originate out in the world and get dropped at our feet, we could call that “server side” issues. When the things that go wrong are caused by ADHD symptoms, that is most definitely “client side” issues.