Archives for weakness
So I may be in trouble. I'm not sure. The truth is that I may have missed an appointment. Or, I might have been supposed to do something, for someone, maybe ... I don't know.
I have a friend who moved. That friend used to live in another friends home. The other friend still gets mail for the friend who moved and when that happens, I get to deliver it.
Just such a piece of mail arrived the other day and was handed off to me. I got in touch with its intended recipient and made arrangements to meet on Thursday to exchange pleasantries, coffee and the above mentioned missive. I remember hanging up the phone and thinking, βThat's two appointments on Thursday morning.β
I am very sick, and very tired. I mean really sick. I've got a bug, a cold, whatever. My head Is as thick as ... well, it's really plugged, I mean really really plugged.
And tired? Yes, I'm tired. Fighting this kind of thing isn't easy on a person. They tire you out. I'm yawning and drifting off, and I'm not actually wearing myself out by doing much of anything.
And is my ADHD affected?
You bet your missing car keys and shiny desk kitsch it is.
I could write three blog posts every Friday and schedule them to publish over the next week. Or, I could write 12 or 13 of them at the end of each month and schedule them to be published, one every Monday, Wednesday and Friday through the next month.
But that doesn't happen. What happens most often is that the night before my self imposed deadline I sit down and write a blog post based on some inspiration I've had that day. Or, I do some reading and come up with some inspiration. Either way, I manage to write a blog post. One. No more.
Then I schedule it for the next morning and I go to bed. Since I began writing this blog I've been pretty good with my deadlines, I've missed two or three of them, but I've always made up for the ones I've missed. Four times I've gotten up out of bed to write at night after realizing I have a deadline the next day after going to bed. And once, I set my alarm for five so that I could get up and write a post the morning of, when I was just too exhausted to write that night.
At the Age of fifty I was diagnosed with ADHD. Before that I spent the better part of two years knowing, but not really knowing I had ADHD.
During those two years I did a lot of research. I spent long periods of time that were marked with epiphany after epiphany. Revelations and moments of discovery were the order of the day, for many days.
I also spent days where I would convince myself that I was wrong, that what I was experiencing was normal and what people with ADHD experienced was the same, but far, far worse.
It's 7:30 PM on a Thursday night. I'm at a meeting. It's a group that I enjoy. And we have a project on the go.
I won't bore you with the details of the project, but suffice it to say that the project is in its infancy. We have miles to go. We may not even pull it off. It's pretty ambitious.
It's so early in its life and so ambitious, in fact, that we're just getting started breaking down the different tasks that will need to be done.
And, God help me, I want to volunteer for all of them. But I also want to volunteer for none of them. That is, I don't want to volunteer for any of them.
There can be a lot of differences in lives with ADHD depending on where the light shines in them, and where the shadows fall. Acceptance or denial can mean so much in the long run.
Let's consider two boys, the same age, in the same grade, in similar schools, in similar towns, each with ADHD.
Let's call them Art and Bert. Sorry if your name is Art or Bert, this is a fictional scenario, so this isn't you. This is them. And here they are:
When my day is all about one thing, when I have just one job to do, when there's nothing around to distract me ... I get sluggish.
Nothing can take my mind from sharp, bright and quick to dull, dark, and struggling like being stuck doing just one thing for an over extended period of time.
But the good thing is that, for me, the cause would seem to be the cure.
My big confession today is that I love math. I didn't do well learning the multiplication tables, and to tell the truth I still have to recalculate the addition of a single digit to many numbers. But mathematics I love.
You'd think that I would have been terribly frustrated, but what happened was really quite simple. I learned to make calculations very rapidly, so although I couldn't count on the learned knowledge that 77 and 8 were 84, I could count eight up from 77 and find that in fact, it's 85. And I could do that quickly enough that I seemed to be rather slow, but not incapable.
What I loved about math was that, while I couldn't seem to file all those addition and multiplication results away for instant recall, I damned well understood when to do what and could figure out how to solve a problem faster than most. So by the time others got to the actual calculations I was already well ahead.
Yes they would pass me usually, but I'd still finish. And I knew I was okay.
You know that there are millions of horses out there, hundreds of breeds, dozens of colors and markings.
Horses are cool because people talk about them by their markings and color. Palominos, paints, buckskins, pintos, bays, every one is a mark of distinction. And who doesn't love horses? Right?
I did own a palomino once that seemed to have some weird ideas that made me question his intelligence, but I treated him as well as the other horses in the stable and possibly a smidgen better since he was my ride.
When we differentiate among ourselves by color, however, it usually isn't for positive reasons. We're never as good to ourselves as we are to horses in that respect.
So there's this website called ADHD Kids Rock. It's a place where kids can read about Jeff Rasmussen's determination to succeed in the face of ADHD, and where they can also engage, discuss and learn about ADHD and how it affects their lives and the lives of others.
And while this is a blog about adult ADHD, the truths are that none of us became adults without first being kids, that many of us have kids who are dealing with ADHD (and wouldn't it be nice to give them more of a boost than we had), and hey, who among us is that grown up?
So I support this website and admire what Jeff has started out to achieve, and I will do whatever I can to help out there. And one way I can help is to promote the place.