Archives for Strength
I get some interesting reactions when I tell people I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was fifty. I'm pretty sure that some of them are the result of people thinking, "How did no one know before then?" I'm equally sure that some are caused by people who are still willing to believe that ADHD, particularly Adult ADHD, do not exist. Many of those people also believe that vaccines cause autism, prisons correct behaviour issues, the world is flat, the moon landing was faked ... you get the picture. And then there are the people who can't help but wonder what I was thinking all those years if I actually had ADHD all along and didn't know what was wrong with me.
Okay, I admit it. I can be a bit verbose, chatty, long winded. I'm Garrulous. Rambling. Wordy. You know, I tend to talk too much. I'm reassured, though, by the fact that I never stay on one subject long enough to bore anyone. At least I don't think I bore anyone. I've never been told I do. I've never really been told much of anything, once I get talking. That's why I'm sure it's okay. Surely someone would have said something by now, right?
There are people who debate the existence of hyper-focus. There are those who say it isn't focus if you can't control it. The term comes from being focused on something to the exclusion of all else, whether there are more important things that need ones attention. So, since it is about being focused on, and unable to withdraw that focus, I'm okay with the term hyper-focus, so long as it isn't suggested that I can turn it on and direct it toward something. But there is no one who will argue the validity of the label “hyperactive.” While I take exception to the other words in the name “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder,” and while the “hyperactive” part doesn't apply to all of us and is therefore suspect as well, the truth is that for those of us that have the “H” gene, it is absolutely the perfect term.
In so many ways, ADHD is the disorder of "All or Nothing!" When we are on the ball and focused, we do it all. All the things we need to do get done. And that's a good thing? Right? Well, except for when we give people the impression that that is our standard operating procedure, our S.O.P. But when we go off the tracks with rampant symptom experiences we can just as easily get nothing done that was required of us. We might even, at that point, get all the wrong things done. A different kind of "all" that results in "nothing."
I am a writer. Among other things, I write two blogs. I also contribute to another group blog on a regular basis. That amounts to an average of somewhere between ten and eleven posts a week. And I write other things that I've mentioned so often here I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about them. And I think I might have mentioned that I don't really get anything that resembles normal writer's block. I seem to have a knack for just sitting down and writing when I have to.
I have no idea what a “day off” actually is. I just realized that. Yes, I've had days off from jobs I've held. It's true. And I always looked forward to them. And now that I work mostly for myself, and especially now that I'm winding that work down, I've been declaring that this day or that one is a day off. But I really haven't got a clue what that could possibly mean. For one thing, these so called days off seem to be full of me doing all kinds of little things I'd set aside as being unimportant enough to take up time on work days.
As a writer, I detest the phrase, “going forward” as a description of conditions under which certain actions will be appropriate. Why? Because it describes the one condition that will absolutely take place. “This will be our policy going forward.” Well, yes it will be. But “This will be our policy.” says exactly the same thing. But as an ADHD writer, I want to reclaim the phrase, “going forward,” and redefine it.
The Olympics have just ended. Did you watch them? Maybe you were one of the ones who attended? Maybe you even participated, some athletes have ADHD. I find the concept to be amazing. The Olympics are that collection of games that have set rules and regulations calculated to level the playing field for the athletes. This is done so that only the skill and the results of their training impact the athlete's standing at the end of each competition.
I got decision making skills. I'm good at it. I make snap decisions and long drawn out decisions, I can ponder over things for ever and end up making no decision until it's too late. I'm telling you, I can do it all. I can decide things before I even realize there's a decision to be made. Those are called snap decisions. I used to refer to myself as being decisive, now I'm more likely to call it reckless. These days I'm also known to recant when I make one of those decisions, one of those reckless ones. I don't always, but I have done. The thing is I feel less compulsion to stand behind a bad decision knowing that I made it in a reckless way and knowing that my ADHD is at least partly at fault for that.
Do you code? Do you write computer programs? Apps for phones or tablets? Do you work with hypertext or Java or any of the other information display languages? If you do, then you know how easy it is for a bit of erroneous code to send things into … well, hell. And whether you do or not, you may know that programmers sometimes present pseudo-code to people as a substitute to explain what a program is supposed to do. Not real code but something half way between human communication and a high end programming language.