I decided to leave the laundry, gift shopping and dishes ’til the 22nd. I put off paying my bills and thought seriously about blowing the bill money on fun stuff. Wouldn’t it be a sin to have the world end on the 21st and still have that cash sitting there?
But you know, it would be worse still to have the world end without my saying a few things to a few people. I’m not talking about deathbed confessions of undying love or anything like that, I’ll use emails for those. And I won’t speak directly to any one person here, though there are a few who I would like to speak with directly in private, if it wasn’t for those darned restraining orders.
First, to those of you who have read my blog, thanks for your attention to my work.
Now I’d like to address my commenters. I know that it isn’t easy for some of you to comment on a blog that deals with such a personal subject, and yet comment you do. Thank you.
Many of you have commented that what I write has made you feel like you are not alone. What you may not realize is that your comments do the very same thing for me.
To put my thoughts and feelings out there is a risk for me, and I’m a bit of a risk taker so I manage, but still, once that publish button is hit, the anxiety can be overwhelming. Hearing comments like these does me so much good, and I’d be remiss in my manners if I didn’t acknowledge that. Thank you.
Next, I’d like to address those who comment in disagreement with me. At times you’ve made me recant, and other times I’ve defended myself. But mostly, you’ve made me consider and reconsider, think and research. Your comments have often been my muse, whether I agree or not with what you say. So I want to thank you as well.
And to those who have commented to directly support and befriend me, I have something to tell you as well. This world has worked hard at trying to tear us down, and I have tried to show myself and my peers that we needn’t accept the judgment given us by βthem.β So, receiving an offer of comfort and compliment is very fortifying. It’s like having someone offer to carry a heavy load for a little while. For just a moment, I needn’t hold up my own self esteem, someone is doing that for me. Thank you.
To friends I’ve slighted with inappropriate comments and actions I would like to say I’m sorry. I’m not making excuses here, I’m not apologizing for what I’ve said or done. Whether you believe me or not, my intention was not to cause pain. Instead, I’m saying I’m sorry that you were hurt. Your pain hurts me in a way that somehow is greater to me than my own pain, perhaps because I caused it, perhaps because that’s just the way I’m built. Whatever the reason, please know that when you forgive me, if you forgive me, I’ll still be unable to forgive myself.
And to those who have hurt me, left me, abandoned me, I’d also like to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I acted, failed to act, or interacted with you in such a way that made it necessary for you to abandon or wound me. I can live without your presence in my life, but I could do it easier if I knew I was forgiven for the burden I placed on you that caused you to have to leave.
Well, that’s it. I don’t want to get all mushy here, if the world is going to end, I’d like to go out standing up and facing forward, not crumpled in tears on a couch. And if this isn’t our last day, it occurs to me that I have some bills to pay and some laundry and dishes to do. I’d better get busy.
Stay tuned for a special post on Sunday, a blast from the past. A post from The Tao Of Taylor, a pre-rapture blog written by my alter ego, Taylor McKinlay. See you ’round, ‘kay?
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Last reviewed: 20 Dec 2012