Well, we’ve hit the home stretch, the last month of the year. It’s a stressful month for all of us, especially ADHDers. I feel I should help, but I’m not sure I’m up to the task. I have some issues weighing heavily on my heart and mind.
Last year at this time I checked out. I was here, I wrote blog posts, I did my best to make them relevant, pertinent. But I was hibernating in my heart; my soul was a hermit; I was phoning it in and keeping myself anaesthetized.
I eventually needed air, light. I needed to breath, to laugh, to cry. I needed to feel alive. So I stepped out into the world again, stepped out into the sun. And found that it was raining.
I live in a house that echos with emptiness, I have a routine that gets nothing significant accomplished, and I take my heartache out on myself.
Long have we ADHDers been masters of self abuse. Taking what we’re told about ourselves, we add our own stones to those thrown by others. It’s a simple step up to blaming myself for my current situation.
And I’ve wallowed long in depression, worrying about what I’ve lost, the things I’ve broken, and the things I’ve never had that I wanted … desperately. I’d like to move on without carrying this stuff with me.
This is the beginning of the last month of the year, and I’m starting it out this way. I’m going to list my heartaches here … and leave them behind. I’m sorry to be dumping this on you, but maybe once I’ve done this you can add yours to the list. I’m damned if I’m going to carry these things one step farther.
I’m currently living in a house I love, I’ve been here for 27 years, longer than I’ve lived anywhere else. But now that I’m on my own, I may not be able to afford to stay.
I’m a 53 year old widower, having children was the thing I wanted most. That didn’t happen.
I’ve recently been feeling more like a burden on society than ever before, not financially, but emotionally. Several friends have distanced themselves from me and while I don’t know why with any certainty, I see a pattern that I seem to be the centre of. I miss their support, but what weighs heavier on me is my worry that I burdened them at all.
I have not been able to focus myself on any one purpose, unable to decide what to do with my future. I know that I am competent at several things, but have no initiative to take hold of one thing and make it work.
I have drifted away from some people who deserve to be kept updated. I’ve drifted away because I feel guilt about how my life turned out.
These are the broad strokes of my depression, my guilt, my sadness. Please be aware that I do not suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder, nor is my depression likely to be diagnosed as clinical depression, not yet anyway. There are more details, but I’ll fit them in under the outlined issues above as they come up. My intention now is to let go of the pain and guilt and work diligently on bringing to light anything that I can to help us, you and I both, through the next, most stressful month of the year, the last one.
So in honor of this moment when I symbolically drop from my shoulders the burden of this grief and depression, I’d like to share with you a song that got me through the first month after my mothers diagnosis of Cancer, the last month of 2007. From daughters of Canada and the United States, Natalie MacMaster and Alison Krauss, the song with the very fitting title: Get Me Through December.
And I promise to cheer up … by Wednesday.
This post currently has
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.
No trackbacks yet to this post.
Last reviewed: 4 Dec 2012