Sometimes it's easier to fly to the sun than to avoid impulsive behavior

It took me years to realize that everything we do is calculated, in some way, to make ourselves happy. Having ADHD means that my calculations aren’t always the comprehensive process they should be.

I crave happiness, just like anyone, but I want it now, instant gratification. I’m sure I could see the sense of enduring discomfort in the present to have long term comfort in the future, but I’d have to think about it to be able to see it.

“The warp engines are off line, captain, all we have is impulse power!”

Seeing an opportunity and a good potential outcome is all I need to see to make me impulsively do something without thinking through all the potential changes such actions could cause.

Of course I’m speaking in general terms here and am loath to give you examples, I’m embarrassed enough just by being able to explain this without telling how I’m able. Let it suffice that I can tell you I know.

Not good enough?

Okay, you’re right. I can relate a few experiences. Let’s start with every night I spent drinking before I sobered up. I often would start out believing that I could have one or two drinks and then retire quietly for the evening. I don’t remember that ever happening. I’m not saying it didn’t happen, just that I don’t remember it.

I do remember feeling a growing sense of well-being as my high speed ADHD mind was throttled back by the numbing effect of alcohol. I remember the sweet spot in the growing numbness. That point when the slow clear thought that what was happening to my mind was peace, heaven on earth, drove me on. I do not remember the point when the numbness made me too stupid to realize that I was no longer capable of rational thought. I can tell you that the idea that one more drink could be nothing but good was about all that was left in my mind just before I passed out.

The getaway driver …

Stealing my fathers car when I was 15 was another example of instant gratification. I never got caught.

I remember pushing it down the road so I could start it up without my parents hearing it from their bedroom. On my return, I shut it down at high speed, a quarter mile from home and coasted it into the driveway (steering wheels didn’t lock back then). I wasn’t much of a bad boy, so I regretted the evenings work and still carry the memory of it with me. Dad, if you’re reading this, sorry, and sorry you found out about it this way.

My point is that I’ve always made impulsive decisions and had to live by them. When I was in my teens, I had just started to realize that there was a need for a code by which to live. It took me a few years longer to understand that that code could be a simple one. And it’s only been recently that I’ve found that that code can give me a great deal of support when my ADHD mind goes into warp drive, taking over control from the impulse engines (can you tell I’ve been watching Star Trek reruns?).

My code is this: Honor, Honesty Responsibility

Whatever impulsive behaviour I perpetrate on my world, I own it, I own up to it, and I live with it. I don’t think I’m learning any lessons. I still seem to be as impulsive as I ever was. But, at the end of the day, even with my days activities reading like an excerpt from the ADHD entry in the DSM, I’m able to respect myself. And while that doesn’t always make things better for those around me, it makes things better for me.

It counts, and it counts a great deal.

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    Last reviewed: 1 Feb 2012