My desire to write this blog was to talk about life as a person with ADHD. That included the views of being a man with ADHD, a biker with ADHD, a songwriter and poet with ADHD, an uncle, nephew, brother & son with ADHD. And a husband with ADHD. I had also hoped to bring a mixed marriage point of view (ADHDer / non-ADHDer) to my blog. And I had hoped to be able to bring you both perspectives by providing, on occasion, the views of my wife.
This is not an easy topic for me to address, but I’d feel dishonest if I kept it to myself. My wife and I had been married for 27 years when she passed away in July of this year, 2011.
My ADHD diagnosis was just 10 months old when she died. We had only just begun to explore what that diagnosis would mean to our marriage, what having undiagnosed ADHD had meant to date, and how it had affected our lives without our awareness.
I was studying everything I could find on the topic, hyperfocusing on it in fact. And, when I remembered to, I was sharing what I’d found with my wife. Sadly, much of the information regarding ADHD that I brought to our dinner table for discussion was met with doubt and disbelief. She was not very receptive to my discovery nor even the diagnosis delivered by a qualified psychiatrist. We had a long way to go before we could move on to making improvements in our life together.
Before we could discuss behavior modifications, we needed to come to terms on what my ADHD symptoms were, what my personal abilities & inabilities were. Even the benefit of my medication was something my wife openly doubted. We hadn’t gone nearly far enough down that road of discovery…
But by the end of July … I was travelling that road alone.
I want to say that, though it may take some time for me to be completely comfortable talking about the effects of ADHD on my marriage, I do wish to share my view. In application for this position I offer the following résumé points:
I cannot give you more than my observations of what it was like for my wife to be married to an ADHDer. If you are a non-ADHDer looking for insight into life with an ADHD spouse, I can only offer what I know to be true from my point of view, I no longer have a resource I can consult for the spousal view.
I’m sure my life will not get better for a while, though it is improving a little every day. I will need time to regroup and assume responsibilities that, through lack of practice, I am ill equipped to deal with. From financial matters to social engagements, I’m having to learn on the fly and I’m not coping well.
In Friday’s post I’ll give an example that illustrates how my being widowed and having to struggle with my new diagnosis have not only affected me, but how they’ve actually ganged up on me. Stay tuned.
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From Psych Central's World of Psychology:
Best of Our Blogs: September 30, 2011 | World of Psychology (September 30, 2011)
Last reviewed: 29 Jul 2013