Recovery Articles

My Own Worst Enemy: Hidden Signs Of Self-Sabotage In Recovery

Friday, January 11th, 2013

pity party cupcakWhat is the number-one enemy of recovery? Many people say drugs, alcohol or the disease of addiction itself. Perhaps you’d point to unsupportive friends or a flawed health care system or a dysfunctional home life. However, there is a much loftier, much more conniving opponent threatening your sobriety: you.

Addicts are expert self-saboteurs. Addiction itself is, in some ways, an act of self-sabotage. Rather than dealing with uncomfortable feelings and finding workable solutions, addicts turn to drugs and alcohol, temporarily escaping one problem only to create bigger ones. Here are a few ways addicts continue to get in the way of their sobriety, even years into recovery:

Negative Self-Talk

Inside an addict’s mind runs a soundtrack of self-attacks: “I’ll never get it right.” “I don’t deserve to be happy.” Many addicts suffer from a core belief that they aren’t good enough or don’t deserve anything but the misery they’ve known in active addiction. They accept self-judgments and abuse they would never tolerate from other people.

Often unbeknownst to the addict, these thoughts translate into feelings of hopelessness and defeat, leaving the addict feeling desperate for a high and powerless to resist. Recognizing and intervening in this ongoing negative commentary and substituting more accurate thinking is an essential skill in recovery.


No Addiction Without Lies, No Recovery Without Truth

Wednesday, December 12th, 2012

“I only use on occasion.”

“I’ll never do that again.”

“I used to be addicted, but now I can limit myself to just one drink.”

Lies are a natural and virtually automatic way of life for addicts. As a result of denial and diseased thinking, addicts (often very convincingly) lie to their loved ones to keep them around, to the world to avoid stigmatization, and to themselves to preserve their drug habit. They lie about the big things and the small things – to feel important, to avoid rejection or judgment, to keep up appearances – until they’ve created a fantasy life that is far more tolerable than their current reality.

The dishonesty, though understandably hurtful to others, serves a purpose in the addict’s life. If they stopped lying, they’d have to quit drinking or using drugs and face a shameful pile of hurt they’ve inflicted on the people they love. That’s quite a load to bear, especially for the addict who is complacent about getting sober or who tries to face their past alone. It’s much easier to hide emotions, keep up the double life and continue using.


Stop Haters from Derailing Your Recovery

Wednesday, December 5th, 2012

friends in recoveryOne unexpected benefit of finding your way into recovery is that you pretty quickly learn who your real friends are. During active addiction, you are ironically both socially isolated and part of a drug-abusing community. You may spend a lot of time together and feel a bond based on your shared preoccupation with drugs. But that doesn’t mean those people are your friends.

Not surprisingly, when an addict gets clean, their “friends” don’t always have their back. In fact, some become downright toxic to their recovery. Here are a few reasons the people you thought were your friends may end up sabotaging your recovery efforts:

• Addiction drives away most of an addict’s true friends.

• Whether they use drugs or not, your friends may not understand the disease of addiction. Even if they want to be supportive, many are in denial or don’t know how to stop enabling.

• Your sobriety spells the end of the friendship. Drug-using pals don’t want to lose a friend, but even more, they don’t want to stop using drugs.

• Your recovery holds up a mirror that shows them the reality of their lives – a vision they may not be ready or willing to see of themselves as an addict who needs help. They may be afraid that you’ll start preaching to them or rat them out to family, friends or law enforcement and put an end to their lifestyle.

• They have tried to quit unsuccessfully. It can be disheartening to see someone else succeed in what they can’t do so themselves.

• They don’t have a drug or alcohol problem, but want to continue to enjoy an occasional beer during a football game or glass of wine with dinner without worrying about their influence on you.

• A romantic partner or spouse may be concerned that your efforts to improve your life will lead to separation, divorce or finding someone else.


Embracing the Authentic Self: The Importance of Boundary-Setting in Recovery

Tuesday, October 9th, 2012

Setting boundaries is an essential skill in life, especially for people in recovery. Addicts often grow up in dysfunctional homes, where boundaries were either too rigid (leading to suppressed emotions or distant relationships) or too enmeshed (depriving them of a sense of personal identity). Later in life, their interpersonal relationships may continue to be defined by old roles and patterns, increasing the risk of depression, anxiety and addictive or compulsive behaviors.

As part of recovery, addicts learn how to set boundaries and to respect other people’s boundaries in return. In the addiction field, treatment providers often refer to this process as embracing the authentic self. While it may sound like psychobabble, it is really a process of discovering who you want to be, how you want to interact with other people, and taking responsibility for the consequences of your choices.


Making Travel Fun Again: 7 Tips for a Sober Vacation

Tuesday, August 14th, 2012

sober vacation on the beachYou’ve waited all year for a much-anticipated break from the grind of daily life. You’ve researched all your options and planned every detail of your summer vacation down to where you’ll eat and what you’ll wear.

But if you’re in recovery from addiction, you may have overlooked some of the details that matter most.

How will you handle triggers to drink or use when you’re in an unfamiliar environment, faced with new challenges and stressors? What happens when you’re feeling stressed or anxious and the person next to you on the plane is drinking? Or your travel companions decide to hit up every party they can find in a one-week period?

You can’t predict every temptation that may arise, but you can take steps to safeguard your sobriety even when you’re away from home:

#1 Consider a Sober Holiday. New York City, San Francisco, Chicago, Las Vegas, New Orleans and Hawaii are continually among the most popular vacation destinations, but why limit yourself to what’s conventional? Many resorts, cruise lines and travel companies offer alcohol-free vacations in these and other hotspots.

There are even sober music festivals, spas, camping trips, surf and ski getaways, sailing expeditions, safaris, and golf and yoga retreats. In addition to putting away the alcohol and scheduling sober activities and meetings, vacation-goers are surrounded by a supportive community of people in recovery.


Stopping Haters from Derailing Your Recovery

Monday, July 9th, 2012

sabotage recoveryOne unexpected benefit of finding your way into recovery is that you pretty quickly learn who your real friends are. During active addiction, you are ironically both socially isolated and part of a drug-abusing community. You may spend a lot of time together and feel a bond based on your shared preoccupation with drugs. But that doesn’t mean those people are your friends.

Not surprisingly, when an addict gets clean, their “friends” don’t always have their back. In fact, some become downright toxic to their recovery. Here are a few reasons the people you thought were your friends may end up sabotaging your recovery efforts:

• Addiction drives away most of an addict’s true friends.

• Whether they use drugs or not, your friends may not understand the disease of addiction. Even if they want to be supportive, many are in denial or don’t know how to stop enabling.

• Your sobriety spells the end of the friendship. Drug-using pals don’t want to lose a friend, but even more, they don’t want to stop using drugs.


From Rigid to Resilient: Bouncing Back From Stress In Recovery

Monday, June 18th, 2012

Resilience is a hallmark of good mental health. It is particularly important for recovering addicts who have learned how to survive but in negative ways – for example, by dissociating from childhood trauma or using drugs and alcohol to escape emotional pain.

An essential part of recovery is learning new tools that build resilience, which guards against the return of old, automatic behaviors that so often leads to relapse.
What Is Resilience?
Resilience is our ability to adapt to or bounce back from stress and adversity. Can you describe what you’re feeling, and can you respond to emotions in ways that alleviate your suffering without adding to it? People who score low on resilience typically do things that keep them stuck like dwelling on negative thoughts, avoiding other people, or using drugs, alcohol, shopping, gambling or other substances or behaviors to escape.

People who are resilient, by contrast, have the coping skills to manage life’s ups and downs with flexibility and a positive outlook.


An Addict’s Guilt: When It Helps And When It Hurts In Recovery

Monday, June 11th, 2012

The concept of an addict’s guilt may seem foreign and contradictory to a loved one. During active addiction, people lie, lose their jobs and bankrupt themselves or their families seemingly without a second thought (though they often do feel guilt but then use more drugs to bury those feelings).

When an addict gets sober, the guilt hits hard.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Guilt

Guilt arises when a person feels that they have violated their morals or principles or fallen short of their personal expectations, resulting in harm to self or others. Although unpleasant, some degree of guilt in early recovery is a good sign. In fact, in some cases a lack of guilt can be a symptom of mental illness. If you’ve lied, put other people in danger, or committed crimes or other acts you’re not proud of, it’s healthy and natural to feel guilty.

In order to effectively manage guilt, you have to identify the type of guilt you’re up against. When guilt is a catalyst for a positive change in behavior, it is healthy guilt. Guilt can lead to empathy, or the consideration of how one’s actions affect other people, a skill that is critical for long-term addiction recovery. It also encourages people to hold themselves accountable for their actions and make amends for the harm they caused, which helps to ensure they don’t make the same mistakes again.


A Shameless Recovery: Transforming Regret into a Learning Opportunity

Friday, May 25th, 2012

In just about any self-help support group meeting around the world, you will find people who have been through unimaginable pain standing tall and fearlessly sharing their stories. Despite devastating personal losses, lifelong health problems and broken relationships, they are not consumed with shame. In fact, many seem strangely at peace with their past.

This is the freedom of recovery without regret.

Because addicts tell lies and make repeated mistakes, regret commonly becomes an obstacle to recovery. Left to fester, regrets not only make it difficult to learn from the past and move forward but they can also take valuable time and attention away from recovery, increasing the risk of relapse.

Though painful, regret can be an important part of the healing process. In treatment, we see regret as a sign of readiness to change. As addicts become increasingly aware of the negative consequences of their drug use, regret is a natural response. In its healthiest form, regret drives the addict to ask, “What can I do differently right now to right the wrongs of the past and make better decisions in the future?”


Top 5 Reasons Women Relapse

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

Women don’t want to admit it. Their families often turn a blind eye. Yet drug and alcohol addictions that were once considered a man’s problem now affect an estimated 2.7 million women.

Women have different reasons than men for using drugs and tend to become addicted faster and after using smaller amounts of drugs than their male counterparts. They also have different reasons for relapsing. Here are the top five challenges that pose a threat to women in recovery:

#1 Getting into Romantic Relationships Too Soon

Romantic relationships in the early stages are one of the most significant threats to recovery. If (or more likely, when) they go awry, the loss can send recovering addicts into an emotional spiral. Until their new coping mechanisms are securely in place, it is not unusual for relapse to follow every time a relationship goes wrong.


 
 

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